When I attended my 36-week growth scan, I was shattered to learn that my son had passed away. The overwhelming mix of sadness and shock consumed me. In the weeks that followed, I would sometimes awaken in the night, temporarily forgetting the tragic reality, only to be jolted back to it as the harsh truth settled in. This was my new reality.
After losing a child, many people struggle to find the right words. It goes against the natural order of life, and shockingly, there isn’t even a specific term for parents who endure such loss. If you lose your parents, you’re labeled an orphan. If a spouse dies, one becomes a widow or widower. But when a child is lost, society seems to simply express relief that it isn’t them.
In those early days following a loss, conversations with friends and family often feel awkward and uncomfortable. While some individuals understand that a hug and a few kind words can be comforting, many resort to phrases that, although well-intentioned, miss the mark entirely.
“Everything happens for a reason.”
I can’t count the number of times I heard this after my loss. I often wondered if people truly grasped the weight of such a statement or if they were just echoing something they had heard that sounded profound. When tragedy strikes, this phrase emerges as if it could somehow provide solace, as if five simplistic words could restore order to chaos.
Did your dog die after being hit by a car? Don’t fret, everything happens for a reason.
Were you laid off from work? Don’t worry, everything happens for a reason.
Did your partner betray your trust? Don’t be upset; everything happens for a reason.
Is your child being bullied? Don’t feel sad; everything happens for a reason.
And in my case, “Don’t be sad that your baby died because everything happens for a reason.” But the truth is, no one knows what that reason is.
The underlying suggestion is that eventually, one will recognize that some good emerged from the tragedy. You are expected to wait for the day when it all becomes clear. However, I firmly reject the idea that everything happens for a reason. Anyone who believes otherwise has likely never faced true heartbreak.
What justification can possibly exist for the loss of a perfectly healthy child? Struggling to think of one? That’s because there isn’t a reason. There is no divine plan that we simply haven’t grasped yet. The reality is, it’s just profoundly tragic.
Why did our much-wanted child pass away while another is born into dire circumstances? Why did we face such heartache when there are countless children left abandoned or mistreated? Each time I encounter a story of an abandoned infant, a baby suffering abuse, or a child born addicted to substances, I want to scream.
The assertion that “everything happens for a reason” is unfounded. The truth is, life is random. Whether you are a good person or adhere to a particular faith, these attributes do not shield you from grief. Did you think that being virtuous would grant you immunity from heartache? Think again.
Life unfolds without our control. Sometimes, terrible events befall the most deserving individuals, while good fortune can land on those who seem undeserving. This is simply how life operates. So, stop blaming yourself for things beyond your influence.
Do not attempt to rationalize tragedies by insisting they must hold some greater significance. There isn’t always a silver lining. Not every sorrow reveals a lesson to be learned. Life doesn’t always present neatly wrapped resolutions.
Sometimes, unfortunate events occur without reason at all.
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Summary:
This article reflects on the painful experience of losing a child and challenges the notion that “everything happens for a reason.” It emphasizes the randomness of life and the absence of justifiable reasons behind such tragedies. The author urges readers to acknowledge that sometimes, bad things simply happen without any underlying purpose or lesson.