Over the past four years, I have delved deeply into the realm of relationships. I’ve immersed myself in contemporary research on nurturing and mending bonds. I’ve perused countless books, attended informative lectures, and consumed a plethora of videos, absorbing more than my mind can effectively process about healthy partnerships, family dynamics, and relational systems. I can observe a family’s interactions and deduce the backgrounds of the parents as well as the parenting styles that shape the children’s behavior. I understand relationships, families, and marriages. However, what continues to perplex me is why applying this knowledge to my own life feels so incredibly challenging.
This morning, I reflected on the remarkable trip my partner and I took in January to celebrate both graduation and our anniversary—a “graduaversary” trip, as we fondly dubbed it. It was a truly phenomenal experience filled with adventure and relaxation, arguably the best vacation I’ve ever had. Yet, instead of reminiscing about the thrilling activities we enjoyed, like climbing a volcano or soaring through a zip line hundreds of feet above the rainforest, my mind fixated on a solitary walk I took along the beach. That 45-minute stroll left me contemplating a drastic change: abandoning my family and starting anew in Costa Rica.
The day didn’t begin with that contemplative walk. It started hours earlier with a frosty “good morning” and a subdued breakfast. My partner, Alex, typically not a morning person, had been uncharacteristically pleasant throughout our trip—until that morning. His tense demeanor and curt remarks during breakfast raised a red flag. Instead of trusting my instincts and inquiring about his mood, I brushed aside my concerns and continued with my day as if nothing were amiss. Here are the three critical errors I made that day that hurt both of us:
Error No. 1: Distancing Instead of Connecting
Rather than connecting with Alex, I distanced myself from him. I had an opportunity to foster open communication that could have strengthened our bond, yet I chose to retreat emotionally.
Later, we settled at our favorite poolside cabana, where I lost myself in my book and the sun, momentarily forgetting about Alex’s earlier attitude. I unwittingly adopted the role of the emotionally detached spouse, thinking I was above letting his mood affect me. My delusion shattered as I attempted small talk only to be met with silence.
At this point, I was done pretending to be unaffected. I felt indignant, thinking, “How dare he ruin my day?” The tipping point came when I asked him to fetch me a drink. In my mind, given that I was in my swimwear and he was fully clothed, my request was reasonable. Instead, I was met with harsh words and left feeling insignificant. When I feel undervalued, resentment brews.
Alex stormed off to our room, leaving me by the pool, fuming and unable to focus on my book. Then it struck me: his unkindness often stemmed from unmet needs.
Error No. 2: Resentment Instead of Understanding
I recognized that Alex was grappling with emotional pain, yet instead of reaching out to him, I let that understanding fuel my resentment.
In mere moments, I recalled instances where his words had made me feel undervalued. True, he had needs he hadn’t communicated, but at that moment, my feelings eclipsed his. I allowed my hurt feelings to overshadow his, labeling him as selfish and inconsiderate in my mind. I thought it wise to let time pass before addressing the issue, believing it would prompt an apology from him.
Error No. 3: Receiving Instead of Giving
I sought to reconnect through receiving rather than giving.
Upon returning to our room, I found Alex watching golf in bed. I lingered, expecting him to apologize, which of course, he didn’t. I felt justified in my stance and refused to offer an apology, thinking I had done nothing wrong. Instead of expressing empathy, I sarcastically asked, “Are you seriously going to sulk in here all day? What a waste of a very expensive vacation!” I then got dressed and suggested that if he wished to stop moping, he could join me. Unsurprisingly, he chose not to.
That’s when I embarked on “the walk.” I strolled along the beach, envisioning a life free from responsibilities—single, without children, liberated to do as I pleased. The thought of escaping my responsibilities was tempting.
But then, a realization struck me: Alex was in pain. He had needs that needed addressing. He required compassion and understanding, and I had walked away from him. I fought against the urge to fantasize about my carefree life, but all I could think about was how he was suffering alone. I had been cold and resentful when he needed my support the most.
I wish I could say that since that day, we have never fought again, or that I have perfectly embodied love and understanding in each situation. Yet, that’s not an accurate representation of our journey. After eight years together, our disagreements are less frequent, our tempers are more controlled, and our apologies come more swiftly. Nevertheless, we continue to grow and learn. We still have our moments of selfishness and anger, but we persist in our efforts. We practice grace, forgiveness, and patience while deepening our understanding of each other and our marriage.
Despite the vast knowledge I possess about relationships, I learn from my marriage daily. I strive to turn toward Alex instead of away from him. I work on recognizing and addressing his needs. Most importantly, I continue to fight for our relationship, even when it gets tough, because we are worth it.
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In summary, it’s essential to acknowledge our missteps in relationships, as we navigate the complexities of emotional connections. By fostering open communication and addressing our partner’s needs, we can enhance our bond and grow together.