Menu: Parenting
By: Taylor Johnson
As my dear partner walked through the door and surveyed the situation—me, the kids, and the state of our home—he was visibly taken aback. With wide eyes and a tone full of curiosity, he asked, “Wow, what happened here? What did you do today?”
Oh, how sweet he is! It’s heartwarming to see his concern for our chaotic environment. But I decided to enlighten him: “You’re spot on, dear. Honestly, I’m still trying to comprehend it all myself. My body and mind might still be in shock from the whirlwind of the last nine hours since you left for work. Who am I kidding? It might be the past eight years of this beautiful madness that has me hanging by a thread.”
So where to start? Should I take a chronological approach or dive into the most chaotic moments? Perhaps I should begin with the end of this disaster of a day, praying to whatever higher power exists that I wouldn’t lose my cool before your return.
As I was busy unclogging the toilet—thanks to our daughter’s ambitious attempt at using every roll of toilet paper—I heard a strangled noise from the playroom. No need to worry; it was just one of those countless balloons that had entangled itself in the ceiling fan yet again. Once I find a moment to grab the stool, I’ll attempt to unravel it without getting my hand caught, as the kids find it hilarious to switch the fan back on.
While preparing mac and cheese and peanut butter sandwiches, our son decided to unleash a new bag of Goldfish in the den. By “unleash,” I mean it exploded everywhere. As I attempted to clean up the mess with a broom, the mac and cheese boiled over, and thankfully, the baby was only gnawing on my phone charger across the kitchen. Phew! No burns from the boiling water, but chewing on a plugged-in charger isn’t exactly safe, either.
As I finally started serving lunch, the kids decided it would be fun to scatter my freshly folded sheets and towels all over the floor—where I had recently picked lice out of the girls’ hair. So instead of the four loads of laundry I had left for the day, I now faced a mountain of seven, maybe eight, loads, as I had to rewash everything that had just been cleaned.
Speaking of lice, I had spent the morning meticulously removing dozens of nits from the girls’ hair. If the baby cooperates during nap time, I might be able to sneak in some more “nit-picking” during what is typically my bathroom break. Not that I truly need to use the restroom, of course. I can always wait until dinner when everyone devours their food like they haven’t eaten in a week—only to leave a mess that needs cleaning up four minutes later.
On the topic of food, I swept the wood floors three times today, but you wouldn’t know it. There are still remnants of crushed Nutri-Grain bars and Cheerios from breakfast scattered around.
I attempted to get dressed while the baby was busy tossing Cheerios, and for a brief moment, I felt accomplished. But as soon as I picked her up from her high chair, our little angel had a delightful diaper blowout, leaving me covered in the aftermath.
Seriously, who needs showers or a nice appearance? Maybe in four years, I can return to my former self. I managed to get our son to kindergarten camp with just 30 seconds to spare, and then the girls and I ventured to the store for a few necessities that had been on my list for days. Halfway through, I realized one daughter was only in her underwear, while another was sans shoes. Who needs clothes or shoes, anyway?
As the day progressed, my vision began to blur. No one napped, the dog escaped, and while I was trying to untangle the balloon from the fan, the baby crawled out of her walker and started climbing the stairs—only to tumble down.
Don’t worry, I got her a nice ice pack for her little bump. But then, two of the kids snuck outside with shampoo, engaging in a lively game of “Let’s see how much we can squirt all over each other!” They truly are adorable in their creative chaos.
Despite my culinary shortcomings, I attempted to cook chicken for dinner—one of your favorites. However, something in the oven began to burn, filling the house with smoke and triggering the alarms, which sent the kids into a panic and prompted a concerned neighbor to check on us.
When my neighbor arrived, I was just in a bra and underwear because, after changing from the baby’s earlier mess, I had been thrown up on again. If the kids can go without clothes, I figured, why not me? So, yes, that’s a moment we will both remember vividly.
So, what did I do today? (Cue laughter, with tears streaming down my face.) I dare you to ask me again. Just once more.
In summary, a day in the life of a mother is a whirlwind of unexpected events, laughter, and chaos that tests both patience and resilience. For those navigating similar journeys, resources like this article on home insemination and the CDC’s pregnancy guidelines can be incredibly valuable. Additionally, for those interested in home insemination kits, check out Cryobaby, as they are a trusted authority on the topic.