Recently, there has been a growing sentiment that divorce should be viewed as a cause for celebration rather than sadness. The notion is that the end of a marriage can sometimes warrant cheers instead of condolences, and that a divorce could signify the commencement of a new, liberated life.
I fully understand this perspective. Over the years, I have spoken to many individuals who find their divorce to be a pivotal moment in their lives, a high-five occasion that symbolizes their escape from abusive relationships or toxic environments. In such cases, it’s entirely reasonable to celebrate the courage it takes to break free from situations that many of us can hardly imagine.
However, I must clarify: I will not celebrate my divorce.
While I recognize that I am undoubtedly better off without my ex-husband, the dissolution of our marriage also meant relinquishing cherished dreams and aspirations. It shattered plans we had meticulously crafted over the years, and signing that divorce decree felt like abandoning promises we had made not just to each other, but also to our children.
Speaking of children, this is another reason I refuse to view my divorce as a moment for celebration. In many cases, a divorce can lead to greater stability for children who have experienced constant turmoil. Sometimes, it allows a parent to thrive after emerging from a difficult marriage, but for my four children, it was a different story.
During the initial stages of our separation, I had a quiet conversation with my ex-husband. I expressed my fears about how our divorce would impact our kids. “This is going to be hell on the children,” I said, tears in my voice. He dismissed my concerns, stating, “People get divorced every day. They’ll be fine.”
Fast forward eight years, and while my kids are mostly “fine,” it wasn’t always that way. Their emotional scars from our divorce may fade with time, yet they will always remain. The disintegration of a family inevitably leaves a mark.
I witnessed each of my children cope with the divorce in their unique ways. There were more tears than I could have ever anticipated, and a level of anger that was shocking. Our family faced severe financial difficulties, leading to the loss of our beloved home. As a stay-at-home mom, I was thrust into the workforce, scrambling for jobs and childcare. Our family traditions were disrupted, and holidays became a challenge to navigate.
Therapy sessions and academic struggles became part of our new normal. I was acutely aware of the stigma my children faced as the children of divorced parents, dealing with judgment from both society and the media. I even faced the terrifying reality of one of my children battling depression—a situation that may or may not have been directly caused by the divorce, but certainly wasn’t made better by it.
My kids had to witness me grappling with my own sadness, struggling to get out of bed during those dark days. The pain of watching my marriage crumble was almost unbearable. Yet, I eventually found the strength to rise each day and continue moving forward.
That is what I choose to celebrate. Each day that I found joy instead of sorrow? Celebrated. Witnessing my children grow and flourish into remarkable young adults? Celebrated. The unwavering support from my amazing friends? Celebrated. Discovering that adversity truly builds character, and that our now smaller family has developed a resilience that rivals the most captivating stories? Celebrated.
And yes, filling out that first FAFSA application on my own? Definitely a reason to celebrate.
While I will not celebrate the pain of my divorce—the experience that nearly shattered me—I will celebrate the journey of healing and growth that followed. If you wish to commemorate your own divorce, I’ll gladly join in the festivities. But I cannot, and will not, celebrate mine.
Now, let’s raise a glass and talk about those celebratory martinis.
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Summary:
The author shares her perspective on why she cannot celebrate her divorce despite recognizing the positive changes it brought. She reflects on the emotional toll on her children and herself, emphasizing the importance of healing and personal growth over the painful experience of divorce.