Over the course of my fifteen years as a parent, the most frequent unsolicited advice I have encountered has been the phrase, “just wait.” Friends with tweens and teenagers, upon observing the joyful interactions I had with my younger children, would warn me, “They’re delightful now, just wait.” Typically, they would caution me about the typical, albeit unpleasant, behaviors that many parents, including myself, have exhibited at some point. “Just wait until they…” start to argue back… hide their report cards… tell lies… slam doors… call you the worst parent ever… I dreaded the thought of my children becoming difficult teenagers, but having been one myself (and according to my mother-in-law, my partner once held the title of King of the Teenage Troublemakers), I somewhat resigned myself to this fate.
As my children aged and showed no signs of this anticipated rebellion, the warnings grew louder and more intense. The most vocal parents were those with challenging, disconnected, or rebellious teens. They would proclaim, “Just you wait! Wait until they reach middle school and they…” sneak out… face suspensions for bullying… experiment with drugs… get arrested… insist on wearing revealing clothes… engage in inappropriate behavior on the school bus… WHAT. THE. HECK!?
Part of me understood that these parents might be trying to normalize their children’s misbehavior, perhaps to alleviate their own feelings of guilt or isolation. However, it mostly made me pity those kids. How could impressionable adolescents be expected to make wise choices when their parents anticipated failure? What kind of self-worth could they develop knowing their own parents broadcasted their mistakes as cautionary tales on social media?
I refused to accept that a certain age would magically transform my child into a delinquent. I was exhausted from the constant warnings to prepare for disaster based solely on the experiences of others. We are not all the same. Our children are not all the same.
For example, my kids are now teenagers and have not turned into reckless individuals. Stop trying to make me feel as if the proverbial other shoe is about to drop—and that if it doesn’t, it reflects poorly on my child. I have lost count of the times I’ve heard parents say, “I’d prefer my child to be the bully rather than the socially awkward outcast.” One does not negate the other.
We need to stop perpetuating the stereotype that adolescence must be marked by angst and withdrawn behavior. Not only do we, as parents, hold our breath in anticipation of difficult days ahead, but we also risk instilling these notions in our children. Teens shouldn’t feel ashamed of having a positive relationship with their parents, nor should we. Who else are we expecting them to turn to if not us?
Cease telling me that I should abandon the hope of being both a parent and a friend to my child. Those roles are not mutually exclusive. It is entirely feasible to enjoy my children’s company, and I believe they appreciate mine as well.
I am no longer waiting with bated breath for the worst. I choose to foster kindness, openness, and honesty with my teens, and thus far, they have reciprocated. I respect their autonomy, offer constructive guidance, alert them to potential missteps, and educate them on consequences. I genuinely laugh at their jokes and listen to their often complex narratives about friends, school, and their favorite content creators. I keep their confidences and support their aspirations.
They have been my closest companions since birth, and regardless of any challenges that may lie ahead, I am confident we will maintain our friendship for life. Just wait and see.
This article originally appeared on Aug. 29, 2015.
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Summary:
The article discusses the common misconception that all teenagers must go through a difficult phase characterized by rebellion and disconnection from their parents. It emphasizes the importance of fostering positive relationships with adolescents and debunking the stereotype that teenage years are inherently troublesome. The author encourages parents to embrace openness and kindness, reinforcing that not all teens are destined to engage in negative behavior, and highlights the value of maintaining strong, supportive connections with their children.