Parenting
What If It’s Not Love At First Sight With Your Adopted Child?
By Lisa Thompson
Updated: June 2, 2020
Originally Published: August 23, 2015
The journey of adoption can often be fraught with unexpected emotions and challenges. My adopted son, Alex, is one of the most courageous individuals I know—an assertion that might seem unusual considering he’s only five. My partner and I brought him home from China when he was three years old, and that day marked a profound upheaval in both his life and mine.
On that fateful morning, Alex woke up in the only home he had ever known, the orphanage. The caregiver who had nurtured him through infancy likely shared comforting words about the joy of having a forever family while dressing him for the day. However, having spent his life in a room filled with cribs, the concept of family remained foreign.
Later, he encountered a spirited woman with bright red hair who spoke in a language he didn’t understand—me. After a whirlwind of paperwork and hasty farewells, he watched as the only familiar person in his life walked away, taking with her the last remnants of his known world.
In that moment, it was hard to determine who was more frightened: the fragile little boy or me. He appeared so small and delicate, his skin pale and his ribs visible beneath his thin frame.
For eight months, I had been gazing at his photographs, dreaming of the day I would become his mother, convinced that love had already blossomed in my heart. However, we soon discovered that those images had been misleading; Alex was underweight, malnourished, and grappling with medical issues that had not been disclosed to us—serious and daunting issues. We were not ready for the reality we faced.
In an instant, it became clear that my feelings were not what I had expected.
Rather than love, I felt an overwhelming surge of panic and aversion, quickly followed by guilt for feeling that way. This child was not just sick; he was now my responsibility—forever.
I vividly recall sitting on the bathroom floor of our hotel, contemplating, “I can’t do this … I can’t be his mom.” I can still picture myself there, pressed against the cool tiles, weeping behind a locked door. No one was aware of my fear.
Thoughts of leaving him in China crossed my mind, though deep down, I knew I couldn’t. Ultimately, we brought him home. I often wondered whether my motives stemmed from maternal instinct, compassion, or the desire to maintain appearances. I refrain from delving too deeply into that question, as it evokes discomfort.
As time passed, we gradually found our rhythm, diving into a routine filled with doctor appointments: specialists, nutritionists, early intervention. While Alex’s world had been shattered, he began to adjust surprisingly well. He learned to trust us and picked up English at an astonishing rate. He also developed quite the appetite.
Despite moments of anxiety and uncertainty, I took comfort in his progress. If he could adapt, I believed I would too.
Loving Alex became a conscious choice. Although the adage “fake it till you make it” contradicts my nature, it was a strategy I employed.
While social workers educate adoptive parents about bonding, the emphasis often lies on connecting with the child rather than the parents’ emotional experience. It can be heartbreaking to feel detached from your child. I understand this sentiment all too well.
Reflecting on our journey, I am astonished by how far we’ve come. Today, Alex is a confident and healthy child brimming with energy. He has gained weight, lost that frail appearance, and has grown to understand the true meaning of family.
Seven months into our life together, I walked by the den where Alex was watching television. “Come sit with me, Mommy,” he beckoned, patting the couch. Although I was preoccupied and didn’t have time for a break, I joined him. I needed that moment of respite, even if it was just to watch a group of aging Aussie musicians sing about various foods.
He climbed onto my lap, intertwined my arms around him, and proclaimed, “Mommy, we’re best friends.” I held him a little tighter, resting my cheek on his head, inhaling the sweet scent of a little boy. In that moment, I realized I was expressing genuine affection without pretense. I thought to myself, “We’ve arrived.”
This journey has not been easy. Our life is not a fairy tale or a scene from a television drama, but I cherish my bond with Alex even more because of the fears I once harbored.
We chose adoption, and while I claim to have chosen to love Alex, I’ve come to believe that love ultimately chose me.
For those navigating similar experiences, I encourage you to explore resources such as WomensHealth.gov for valuable information on pregnancy and home insemination. If you’re interested in the tools available for at-home insemination, check out Make a Mom’s Impregnator for expert guidance. For more insights on the emotional aspects of adoption, visit our privacy policy for additional reading.
Summary:
Adoption can be a complex emotional journey, especially when initial feelings may not align with expectations. The experience of bonding with an adopted child can be challenging, requiring time, patience, and active engagement. Through persistence and openness, love can develop, transforming the relationship into one of deep connection and joy.