The other day, during a routine checkup for my son, Ethan, the doctor asked a seemingly straightforward question: how often do I nurse him each day? This single inquiry ignited an internal conflict. Am I the type of mother who adheres to a structured feeding schedule, or am I the one who allows my baby unrestricted access to breastfeeding?
I can easily list the benefits of both approaches. Scheduled feeding can lead to:
- More consistent digestion
- Reduced chances of snacking
- Better regulation of milk supply
- Easier planning for appointments and outings
Conversely, on-demand feeding offers:
- Less crying from the baby
- Sufficient milk supply
- A more relaxed lifestyle due to frequent nursing
- Enhanced bonding time between mother and child
The challenge lies in the fact that I embody both philosophies. I am a determined, goal-oriented parent who appreciates the need for my baby to adapt to my schedule, yet I also cherish the moments of nursing on demand, wearing my baby close, and enjoying skin-to-skin time. The dichotomy of these parenting styles seems to reflect a broader debate in modern motherhood.
Why is there no space for moms who embody both approaches? Online discussions often depict a war between two camps—those who favor strict schedules and those who advocate for responsive parenting.
Every day, I find myself caught between these two worlds. On a typical morning, while preparing lunch for my older children, Ethan cries in his bouncer. I lift him into the Baby Bjorn, where he settles into a peaceful observation mode and eventually drifts off to sleep. In that moment, I feel accomplished and as though I’m meeting his needs.
However, as soon as I need to use the restroom or assist my daughter with her project, I feel trapped. Transferring him from the Bjorn becomes a delicate operation, often resulting in a short nap that leaves him cranky and me frustrated.
The next day, I try placing Ethan in his crib for a nap, hoping to establish some independence. I hear him cry, which raises my anxiety. Every few minutes, I check on him, patting his back and replacing his pacifier until he finally sleeps. But when he wakes shortly after, his cries pierce my heart, and I instinctively scoop him back into my arms.
Each feeding session carries the same push and pull. Some days, I prefer a schedule to gauge his needs and ensure he’s getting enough nourishment. Other days, I find myself nursing him multiple times out and about, simply to soothe him after a minor bump in the road.
The duality of these experiences is not limited to feeding or sleeping arrangements. I love having Ethan close, yet I also crave the freedom of a babysitter so I can enjoy a night out with my partner. It’s a constant tug-of-war between the structured and the spontaneous aspects of parenting.
During my checkup, I paused before answering the doctor’s question. “Some days it’s eight times; others it’s just a few. It varies,” I admitted. She smiled, reassuring me that my son is thriving, but she emphasized the importance of my well-being as the mother.
Ultimately, the conflict between differing parenting styles can lead to confusion and defensiveness among mothers. What if we embraced a more flexible approach? Why can’t we incorporate both baby-wearing and scheduled feeding into our parenting toolkit?
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In summary, I’m both the structured and the responsive mother, and I’m not alone in this journey. We must allow ourselves the grace to adapt and choose what works best for us and our children on any given day.