“I apologize; it’s the Asperger’s.” This was the heartfelt expression my nearly seven-year-old daughter, Mia, offered after experiencing a significant emotional outburst in her classroom the previous day, during which she had harshly distanced herself from her closest friend.
As a parent of a child with Asperger’s, I felt compelled to guide her away from using those words, believing they might come across as an excuse, lacking genuine remorse. I encouraged her to explore her feelings of empathy, which, while not always readily apparent, I know she possesses.
“Perhaps you could say you’re sorry and that you didn’t mean what you said, and that she really is your friend, and that you won’t yell at her again…”
“It’s not an excuse,” she retorted firmly. “It’s the truth, and it’s what I’m going to say.”
Despite my attempts to redefine her understanding of an apology, Mia boarded the school bus still anxious and fixating on the need for me to write an apology on her behalf. The thought of writing overwhelmed her, causing her distress, and she insisted she couldn’t face her friend that day.
Reflections on Parenting Challenges
As I reflected on my parenting challenges that morning, I realized that my efforts to teach her about “Theory of Mind”—the understanding that others have different thoughts and feelings—were inadvertently undermining her own struggles.
This is a frequent occurrence. While Mia is high-functioning, others often perceive her as having more control than she truly does. They overlook her sensory overload, social comprehension issues, and fine motor skill challenges that don’t meet the threshold for occupational therapy. Their astonishment at her emotional reactions can lead to misconceptions: the idea that she is simply spoiled and needs stricter discipline.
In moments of overwhelm, she often resembles a modern-day Veruca Salt, fixating on acquiring yet another stuffed animal, believing it will alleviate her emotional distress. For her, the object of obsession represents a tangible solution amid confusing social stimuli.
A Misunderstanding of Sarcasm
After her emotional outburst, Mia called me from the principal’s office, stating, “I’m having a hard day. She said she couldn’t come to my birthday party, and I told her she wasn’t my friend anymore, but I was just being sarcastic.”
“Sweetheart, that’s not sarcasm,” I said, realizing the misunderstanding. Sarcasm has previously caused confusion for her; she had used the term to express something she didn’t truly mean. I noted the need to explain sarcasm more effectively and reiterated that she should apologize to her friend.
I was quick to point out her missteps, emphasizing that tantrums are inappropriate at school and clarifying her misuse of the term “sarcasm.” However, I recognized that she was simply grappling with disappointment and confusion over her friend’s polite decline of the party invitation, leading to an emotional explosion.
A Balancing Act of Empathy and Accountability
While I feel sympathy for the hurt feelings caused to another child and the challenges Mia presents to adults, I must also acknowledge her perspective: “It’s the Asperger’s.” She is still young, navigating high-functioning autism that may not be obvious to those around her.
Indeed, she is bright, charming, and captivating, yet she may also exhibit socially inappropriate behaviors that defy expectations, perhaps even while adorned in a sparkly dress. To those unfamiliar with her struggles, it may not make sense. But, as I’ve come to understand, it is a reflection of her condition.
Mia’s teacher later informed me that she did manage to apologize to her friend that day. She found the strength within herself to reach out, and while I’m unsure of how she phrased her apology, it’s clear she expressed herself in her own unique way. For that, I am immensely proud.
Resources for Further Support
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Conclusion
In summary, while it’s essential to foster accountability in our children, we must also recognize and validate their experiences, particularly when they are navigating the complexities of conditions like Asperger’s.