As my daughter transitioned from 12 to 13, a sign appeared on her bedroom door. “PRIVATE. DO NOT ENTER!!!!!” adorned with vibrant markers and cheerful daisy stickers, made her intentions unmistakable.
Throughout her seventh-grade year, the messages became more creative. A nod to her love for Dr. Who read, “Enter at your own risk: Guarded by Daleks.” She even crafted a list of imaginative, Edward Gorey-style consequences for anyone daring enough to enter her domain.
While she never outright complained about my occasional unannounced entries, the signs communicated her desire for independence as she grew. What was once just her bedroom evolved into a Junior Edition of a Room of Her Own.
Initially, I felt a pang of sadness at being excluded from this new phase of her life. However, I quickly recognized the importance of personal space. My daughters deserve their autonomy, and we are fortunate to share both our lives and our solitude. The boundaries we establish foster a harmonious family environment.
My elder daughter had begun this practice two and a half years earlier, routinely shutting her door at night. There were times I knocked persistently, even resorting to frustrated pounding if she didn’t respond. This was particularly frustrating because she still needed help getting out of bed in the mornings. I often found myself exclaiming, “How can you lock me out yet still need my help?”
What I truly wished to ask, but never did, was, “Why don’t you want me around?”
With my second daughter, however, the locked doors and punctuated signs are much easier to accept. Having navigated this once before, I have seen my first daughter emerge from the complexities of adolescence. Now on the brink of 17, she no longer finds me embarrassing or intolerable; instead, she is polite and considerate, making it easier for me to respect her need for space.
Moreover, my second daughter shares my passion for writing. She often spends hours developing stories, like a unique Cinderella narrative featuring a blue-haired alien. While she excels at beginnings, endings are still a work in progress. She pens song lyrics in the style of Carrie Underwood, exploring heartbreaks she has yet to experience. Her creative output flows through countless poems.
When she retreats to her room, I understand she is not just avoiding me; she is seeking a connection with herself. Much like Virginia Woolf articulated nearly a century ago, she recognizes that a writer, regardless of age, requires a sanctuary for imagination to flourish.
As someone who also craves quiet to write, I sometimes fantasize about having a dedicated room where I could immerse myself in my work, free from household distractions. If I had that space, I would certainly hang a sign declaring: “KEEP OUT! WRITER AT WORK!!!!!!!!!” — devoid of cheerful stickers.
While I still occasionally step into my daughters’ spaces, my experiences as a mother of teenagers have sharpened my judgment. I now know when to enforce rules—like cleaning up after dinner or completing homework before watching a show—and when to allow them their solitude.
In just two years, my eldest will graduate high school, and in five, my youngest will reach 19. Eventually, they will leave home, ready to carve out their own spaces and lives. The signs on their doors will come down as they grow into their identities.
Without the daily responsibilities of nurturing them, I will find more time to write. Yet, I know I will miss those signs that once adorned their doors.
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Summary
The article reflects on the significance of personal space for growing children, particularly daughters. It explores how boundaries foster independence and creativity while highlighting the emotional journey of a parent witnessing their children transform. The author shares insights into the balance between nurturing relationships and respecting privacy, ultimately leading to a greater understanding of their children’s need for self-expression.