Depression has not always portrayed me in the best light as a friend, sister, daughter, or spouse. In fact, it has often led me to be a less-than-ideal version of myself. I tend to distance myself from loved ones, retreating to a quiet space in my home – often the bathroom (why is it always the bathroom?). There, I hide behind closed doors, curled up on the cold tile floor, enveloped in darkness beneath an unwashed towel.
As I withdraw from those around me, the harm is often already done: harsh words have been exchanged, and tears have flowed. Yet, there is one aspect of my life where I believe depression has had a positive impact: my journey as a parent.
Navigating parenting during depressive episodes is undeniably challenging, at times bordering on impossible. I often find myself forcing smiles, struggling to maintain composure. The simplest actions, like my daughter’s tantrums or her refusal to wear her diaper, can propel me to the brink of overwhelming rage. Recently, she has taken to throwing her food and occasionally slapping my hand or cheek when I correct her behavior. It requires every ounce of strength I have to transform that anger into tears instead.
Even during calmer moments—when we share joyful experiences like walking to the park or watching our favorite shows—I still grapple with inner turmoil. The stillness amplifies my racing thoughts, making even minor decisions feel monumental. Despite being physically close to my daughter—her head resting on my lap—I often feel a vast emotional distance between us.
However, these depressive episodes are not my everyday reality. On a typical day, I’m loving and engaged. I relish taking her to the playground, blowing bubbles, and coloring (I color dinosaurs purple and the sky green because that’s just how I roll). On those days, I embody the selfless, quirky, and humorous person I aspire to be.
So, how does depression contribute to my growth as a parent? Thanks to my struggles and the resulting mistakes such as my short temper and unpredictable emotional responses, my daughter is learning valuable lessons about accountability and forgiveness. She understands that it’s okay to ask for help and that expressing emotions is natural.
In essence, my depression provides her with a glimpse into the complexities of human behavior. It allows her to witness my less admirable moments—things I wouldn’t wish for anyone—but instead of spiraling into guilt, I’m choosing to illuminate these experiences for her. I’m learning to apologize and explain that sometimes, due to my illness, I may not be at my best.
This journey has taught me the importance of openness instead of isolation. I’m learning to let others in and to keep the bathroom door ajar—figuratively and literally. I recognize that apologizing for my behaviors is not the same as apologizing for my mental health condition. Living with depression isn’t what I envisioned, but I am committed to thriving despite it.
In the end, despite the challenges it presents, I acknowledge that my struggles with depression are shaping me into a better mom, and more importantly, they are helping to mold my daughter into a compassionate and understanding individual.
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Summary:
This article explores how depression, despite its challenges, has positively influenced parenting. Through personal experiences, the author illustrates the lessons of accountability, empathy, and emotional openness that their struggles have imparted to their child.