Pregnancy
Updated: February 6, 2021
Originally Published: September 28, 2015
When a friend of mine, expecting her first child, inquired about the routine monthly OB appointments, I couldn’t help but chuckle. The truth is, they can be quite mundane. To prepare first-timers for what to expect, here’s a detailed rundown:
- You’ll begin by checking in and answering a series of questions about your insurance and address—even if it hasn’t changed in over a decade.
- Next, you’ll find yourself seated in a chair that’s about as comfortable as a wooden bench. Get cozy; it may be a while before you’re called.
- It’s best to avoid eye contact with the other patients, especially that one well-meaning grandmother who seems oblivious to the fact that making small talk about the weather is, well, a bit annoying.
- Pretend to be interested in outdated magazines like an old issue of Golf Digest or a Good Housekeeping from May 2014.
- Pass the time with a game of “Who’s Pregnant?” while observing the waiting room crowd. That woman in the corner is particularly intriguing.
- Feel a sense of relief that you aren’t the poor mother wrestling with her four energetic children.
- Eavesdrop on a nearby patient who is taking a loud phone call, blissfully unaware of the “No cell phones” sign.
- Admire the cute couple there for their first prenatal visit. Gentlemen, enjoy the experience of watching your partner navigate the joys of a speculum.
- Regret not bringing a snack as your stomach growls.
- Consider a daring heist of that woman’s Luna Bar—until you realize it’s the coconut flavor. No thanks.
- Distract yourself with your phone, ignoring the “No cell phones” policy. The waiting game is intense, and it seems like everyone has been seen except you.
- Listen to a newcomer complain about the wait time, wishing she knew just how long you’ve been waiting.
- Finally, your name is called! But wait, why are you excited about an impending examination?
- Step on the scale, trying not to let the number get to you.
- Wince as the nurse records your blood pressure while shaking her head.
- Attempt to pee into an impossibly small cup, hoping you’ve provided enough for the test, already anticipating the lecture about hydration.
- Provide your due date and last menstrual cycle date for the fifth time that day.
- Allow the nurse to check for fetal heart tones using the Doppler. Experience a moment of panic until she finds it. Good luck getting that sticky gel off afterward!
- Cross your fingers that this appointment doesn’t involve an exam.
- Spoiler alert…
- Prepare to undress in a room that is either frigid or sauna-like.
- Perch on an uncomfortable exam table, feeling vulnerable, while desperately reading the birth control posters on the wall.
- Wait.
- Wait some more.
- Feel your frustration build as you wait for what seems like an eternity.
- A knock on the door finally breaks the silence!
- But, to your dismay, an intern younger than you enters alongside the doctor. Great.
- Attempt to focus on the ceiling’s calming nature scene while the doctor performs the exam. Pray you won’t have any post-exam spotting.
- Remember you had questions for the doctor, but now they escape you. Make a mental note to write them down next time.
- If you’re sent for blood work, don’t fret—it’s just a little blood (or maybe a gallon?).
- Schedule your next appointment with the receptionist, who only has one time slot available for the foreseeable future.
- Leave feeling like you need a shower and some iron supplements—oh, and water.
- Stop by Burger King for some onion rings and justify it as a vegetable serving.
- Remind yourself to bring a book and snack next time. (Let’s be real, you’ll forget.)
- Rinse and repeat in a month or sooner.
Exciting, isn’t it? Some visits may include additional tests like diabetes screenings or long waits for results. While ultrasounds may occur, they are often reserved for special appointments like the anatomy scan. I know the anticipation for the next appointment can be overwhelming, but remember—the journey to motherhood is truly remarkable!
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Summary
OB appointments can seem tedious, but they are an essential part of your pregnancy journey. This guide provides a humorous yet realistic look at what to expect during these visits, from the waiting room to the examination table.