Have you ever faced inquiries about expanding your family, such as when you plan to have another child, why you haven’t conceived yet, or whether you’re trying? Perhaps you’ve been asked why you have so many children already, or whether you’re hoping for a specific gender. If you possess female reproductive anatomy, chances are you’ve encountered these questions at some point. Society often treats what happens within your own body as a topic open for public discussion, labeling such inquiries as “normal” rather than intrusive and presumptuous.
This societal norm must evolve. However, changing entrenched beliefs takes time, and we cannot control others’ behavior. We can choose to respond politely, dismiss the questions, or simply walk away, but we cannot prevent them from continuing to pry into every woman’s reproductive choices. The assumption that all women should desire motherhood and be preoccupied with their fertility needs to be challenged.
One aspect we can control is our understanding of the harmful ideology of “total motherhood.” This notion suggests that all parenting responsibilities rest solely on the mother, implying that once a woman becomes a parent, she must forsake her own needs and desires. It perpetuates the belief that her worth hinges entirely on her parenting decisions, including every aspect of child-rearing.
This belief is fundamentally flawed. While parenting does involve sacrifice, the idea of total motherhood often leads to extreme self-neglect. I’ve heard mothers claim they haven’t left the house without their child since birth, even if their child is now four years old. I’ve seen parents criticize others for utilizing daycare services, insisting that children should be raised by their parents instead of “strangers.” Many mothers forgo basic self-care, such as showering or taking time for personal interests, and countless parents refrain from dating or engaging in adult conversations for years.
Have you ever heard the saying, “If mama ain’t happy, ain’t nobody happy”? My experiences affirm this truth. I attempted to embody the total mother ideal, but it left me feeling trapped and miserable, which, in turn, affected my entire family adversely.
It is entirely possible to be a stay-at-home parent while also being content. I discovered my happiness when I stopped martyring myself. Fortunately, I realized early on that self-care allowed me to be a more effective parent. By taking time for myself, I found joy in my child’s milestones and laughter, and I handled tantrums with greater ease.
Engaging in activities such as writing, yoga, sewing, and running contributes significantly to my overall satisfaction. Even simple pleasures, like reading a chapter from a book or enjoying a hot latte at a café, rejuvenate me. Taking a brief respite from caregiving—if only for a short walk alone—helps remind us of our identities outside of parenthood.
Everyone deserves the time to reflect and recharge. Prioritizing self-care is essential because you matter. Therefore, consider building a support network. If family members are eager to watch your child, allow them to help. Coordinate with other parents for childcare swaps, or hand the baby to your partner while you run errands (and perhaps indulge in a coffee and a sweet treat along the way). Give your preschooler some screen time while you catch up on a movie of your choice with headphones.
Find solutions that work for you. Rediscover yourself. Your child will appreciate it (though they may not express gratitude until they reach adulthood, trust me on that).
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Summary
Motherhood does not require self-sacrifice or adherence to the unrealistic ideals of “total motherhood.” While parenting involves sacrifices, it is vital to prioritize self-care and maintain personal interests. Building a support network and allowing yourself time to recharge can lead to a healthier family dynamic. Rediscovering your individual identity benefits not just you but also your child in the long run.