Potty training in our household has been more of a comedic saga than a straightforward success story. While frustration might be a frequent visitor, it primarily stems from our energetic 2-year-old, Max. His strong-willed nature means that a specific set of conditions must be met for him to even consider using the potty. After careful analysis and observation, we’ve identified the 20 critical factors that need to align to make potty training a viable option:
- The alignment of celestial bodies must be just right; Mercury should be in retrograde, Jupiter needs to be ascending, and a waning moon should be present.
- The bathroom atmosphere must evoke the essence of a spring meadow, achieved through a curated selection of fresh organic herbs, tied with a delicate ribbon—not artificial fragrances.
- The lighting must be meticulously adjusted to a maximum of 120 watts.
- The bathroom temperature should consistently hover between 72.5 and 72.7 degrees Fahrenheit. Showers are strictly prohibited as the resulting steam could disrupt this delicate balance.
- Somewhere within a 1,000-mile radius, a virgin sheep must be shorn.
- When making modest requests like “please avoid peeing on my arm” or “don’t touch that, it’s private,” eye contact should be avoided to maintain calmness.
- One must accurately predict whether Max will prefer the training potty or the standard toilet—there’s a 50% chance of getting it right, and no prior hints will be given. Choosing incorrectly leads to an immediate potty refusal.
- The skies must be free of commercial aircraft, seagulls, and crows. Pigeons and pre-WWII planes are acceptable.
- Everyone present must be sockless.
- At least four stuffed animals and one attentive cat must witness the entire process without interruption.
- Potty attempts are only valid on the first Tuesday, second Monday, third Saturday, or fourth Friday of any month ending in “Y.” If it’s raining, only Thursdays are permissible.
- A deer and an antelope should be frolicking in the vicinity, accompanied by a roaming buffalo.
- The local library must be closed.
- Organic bananas should be available at Whole Foods on sale.
- One-third of the doors in the house must remain open.
- The kitchen rug must be slightly misaligned in a counter-clockwise direction.
- The phone must remain silent for at least 15 minutes before and after potty attempts; text messaging and social media usage are also off-limits during this time.
- A parent must have an urgent need to use the restroom simultaneously.
- A blood relative should be preoccupied with discovering an unwelcome chin hair.
- A double rainbow must appear gracefully over a pod of albino dolphins escorting an orphaned beluga whale to its new family.
In conclusion, potty training can be a complex and humorous journey, requiring numerous conditions to align perfectly. For more insights into parenting challenges and solutions, you may find valuable information at Facts About Fertility. If you’re curious about other family planning options, check out Home Insemination Kit or explore resources from the experts at Make A Mom.