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Parenting
By Dr. Emily Carter
Updated: Sep. 22, 2015
Originally Published: Sep. 22, 2015
Prior to welcoming my first child, I envisioned myself as the ideal parent. I diligently attended all prenatal and lactation courses, devoured numerous parenting books, and was brimming with theories and intentions, unhesitant to share my insights with anyone who would listen.
Then reality struck when I experienced childbirth—an arduous process that left me physically and emotionally drained. The experience shattered my preconceived notions of parenting; it was far messier and more painful than I ever anticipated. I felt utterly overwhelmed.
The overwhelming sensation continued to linger during the hazy days that followed my son’s birth. I was fatigued to the point of immobility and mentally clouded, and this state persisted throughout his entire first year. Now, after 13 years of motherhood, I can confidently say that I still grapple with uncertainty in my parenting journey.
As I navigate parenting my now-teenage son and three younger children, I have witnessed my initial beliefs about parenting and child-rearing dismantled one by one. Each time I judged another parent for their choices, I soon found myself humbled by my own child’s unpredictable behaviors. I carry the evidence of these lessons, both in visible marks and emotional scars.
One truth I have come to accept is that no one is exempt from the trials of parenthood; we all face challenges. If you believe you have mastered infant sleep patterns, you may soon find your child defying your expectations. If you think you have potty training figured out, prepare for the reality of a resistant child. You may look askance at a parent whose child bites others in preschool, only to find your own child involved in a similar incident shortly thereafter. The belief that your child will never be a picky eater can be shattered when they suddenly reject their favorite foods. Trust me, I have experienced this firsthand.
It is curious that while no two adults are identical, we often expect children to respond uniformly to a singular approach to parenting. With four children of my own, I can attest that each possesses unique traits and perspectives, defying any preconceived gender norms. I find myself improvising with each child, continually learning.
Judgment among parents is a natural aspect of the experience; we often measure ourselves against others. This comparison can foster growth, as mothers often learn from one another, using shared experiences as guides or warnings. However, parenting should be a conversation rather than a contest. There are no victors in this journey.
As our children grow, we shift focus from early developmental milestones to more serious matters, such as healthcare decisions, educational challenges, and emotional well-being. We may find ourselves in pediatrician’s offices, facing tough choices about therapies or diagnoses. We might struggle to understand our child’s academic difficulties or the need for medication. Questions about social interactions, safety drills in schools, technology use, and other topics weigh heavily on us.
In my earlier parenting days, I envied mothers who seemed to effortlessly navigate the challenges of raising young children. Now, as I observe mothers in the school drop-off line, I recognize that each one is fighting her own battle, often concealing deep-seated doubts and insecurities. We all share the burden of wanting to nurture our children the best way we can.
Throughout my parenting journey, I have learned that we are all fallible. Mistakes are an inherent part of the process. Having witnessed friends navigate the trials of motherhood during health crises, loss, and grief has fundamentally altered my perspective on parenting.
What matters most to me now is not the specifics of how we choose to feed, educate, or discipline our children. Whether you opt for breastfeeding or formula, co-sleeping or independent sleeping, homemade baby food or store-bought options, or the choice to stay at home or work outside the home, we are all, at our core, mothers faced with the same challenges.
The essence of our journey lies in the fact that we are all striving to love our children to the best of our abilities. There is no perfect way to parent, but there are countless paths to being a good parent. No one understands the need for support better than someone who has faced similar trials.
At the end of the day, we are united as mothers, and parenting is challenging enough without creating divisions among ourselves. If you seek validation or camaraderie, know that you are not alone, and reach out to those who can offer understanding.
I am committed to supporting all mothers, regardless of our differing approaches to parenting. After all, we share a common goal: to love our children as best as we know how. This sentiment is echoed by Similac, which recently sponsored a panel alongside The Sisterhood of Motherhood and TODAY’s Parenting Team, discussing the judgment mothers often face and how it can create divisions and distress among us. Additionally, Similac has collaborated with director Cynthia Wade to produce a documentary entitled #EndMommyWars, set to premiere in October. The film follows several new mothers through their parenting journeys, highlighting the commonalities we share. You can watch the trailer to see if you recognize yourself in the experiences of these mothers.
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In summary, motherhood is a complex journey filled with unique challenges and shared experiences. Embracing our commonalities instead of focusing on differences can provide the support we all need.