Dear Visitor at the Shoe Store,
You may not recall our brief interaction, but it left a lasting impression on me. A few weeks ago, while my family was on vacation, we visited a shoe store where my mother was searching for flip-flops. My 5-year-old son dashed off in search of shoes he didn’t need, and you kindly helped us find our way. During our conversation, you asked my son about his upcoming grade and then proceeded to touch his hair.
Had it not been for that unexpected touch, I might have forgotten our encounter. However, your fingers lingered in his curls far longer than a mere moment. I felt frozen, watching as you ran your hand through his small mohawk (or “monkey-hawk,” as he affectionately calls it). I wanted to speak up, to intervene, but my instinct to avoid confrontation overpowered my protective instincts as a mother.
As a white woman with a Black son, I’ve navigated similar situations before. When strangers pat my son’s head, my intuition tells me it’s not merely a gesture of affection; it often stems from curiosity about his hair texture. While some may be more discreet, I consistently feel a surge of protectiveness wash over me—even if I remain silent.
I wish to shield my child from being an object of curiosity, particularly in predominantly white spaces. I want to ensure he never feels “other” or that his personal boundaries are disregarded. Encounters like yours can perpetuate racial microaggressions, where well-meaning individuals inadvertently demean or stereotype people of color, making them feel less than.
I mulled over our encounter long after our vacation, discussing it with my husband and other mixed-race families. I reached out to friends of diverse backgrounds to see if they had similar experiences with their children. I also inquired with a friend whose white daughter has beautiful, bouncy curls about whether people touch her hair too.
I wanted to understand if my feelings stemmed from a racial perspective. It became clear that many Black individuals, as one of my friends pointed out, generally refrain from touching others’ hair due to respect for its cultural significance and the effort involved in its care. Unfortunately, this understanding is often absent in interactions with white individuals who may not have taken the time to learn about these cultural nuances.
While I recognize your curiosity, I must emphasize that it is not acceptable to invade my son’s personal space for the sake of satisfying it. Not every curiosity can or should be fulfilled, particularly when it comes at the expense of someone else’s comfort and autonomy.
Currently, I am teaching my son the importance of body autonomy—that his body is his own, and it is inappropriate for strangers to touch him. He has the right to voice his discomfort. Although he is too young to fully grasp the racial implications of such interactions, I am laying the groundwork for him to recognize boundaries.
Would you have touched my son’s hair if I weren’t white? Or if he were accompanied by his father, a Black man? Please understand that my race does not grant you permission to cross personal boundaries.
I aim not to be the mother who reacts defensively to every question or curiosity; I recognize we are all navigating this complex, race-conscious world together. My hope is for my sons to grow up empowered and assertive while remaining empathetic and understanding.
If your curiosity is sincere—if you genuinely want to learn about my family or the care of Black hair—I would be open to discussion, though not in front of my son, who is already aware of his identity in predominantly white spaces, like that shoe store. Open dialogue is crucial for mutual understanding, and I owe it to my children to facilitate these conversations.
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Summary
This article discusses the importance of respecting personal boundaries, particularly in interactions involving children of different racial backgrounds. The author reflects on a personal experience where a stranger touched her Black son’s hair, highlighting the need for awareness about cultural sensitivities and the impact of seemingly innocent actions. The piece emphasizes the significance of teaching children about body autonomy and the importance of respectful curiosity.