Dear Emily,
I want to express my sincerest apologies. Words often fall short, and I wish I could articulate my feelings more profoundly. Each day, I find myself saying “I’m sorry” for countless minor reasons—whether it’s when you stumble on the playground or when I fail to bring something you wanted. Beneath those everyday apologies lies a deeper sorrow. I regret that there are only two arms to embrace you. I regret that it’s just me navigating this path for now. I’m truly sorry.
You deserve more than this. You should have the kind of family structure that we see in other households—mom, dad, and child, forming a stable unit. Meanwhile, we are trying to balance on two legs, wobbling precariously, as if we could tip over at any moment.
While I am learning to cope with this transition, the pain is beginning to fade like the memory of an old scar. The losses I once felt are transforming into opportunities for growth. I am shedding the burdens that weighed me down, and a sense of happiness is beginning to blossom.
However, for you, certain losses will linger throughout your life. Regardless of which parent you are with, there will always be a void where the other should be, and you will feel that absence deeply. You will navigate life with only part of your family present.
No amount of rationalization can change the fact that you bear the brunt of this situation. That realization is painful, and I often find myself in tears when I reflect on the impact this has on you.
Recently, while walking to the park, you inquired about your siblings. In that moment, tears welled in my eyes, and a tightness gripped my throat. I struggle to explain that you may not have full siblings, or that another baby resembling you may never arrive.
I am learning to let go of the dreams I once held; each day, I wake up to practice releasing these unrealized futures like grains of sand slipping through my fingers. I must also help you come to terms with these losses—losses you may not even yet understand. As you grow and your awareness expands, I will need to become adept at answering your questions about siblings, our two homes, and why we live apart.
You are a joyful, vibrant child. Your intellect and compassion shine brightly, and your ability to make friends quickly is a testament to your warmth. I have confidence that you will thrive and more than excel in life. I know you feel the love surrounding you, and there are certainly families out there facing similar challenges.
This narrative, while not unique, was not one I envisioned for us. I never imagined that the day I held you in my arms would also mark the beginning of this journey.
When you curl up next to me at night, when I pack your suitcase, or when you express confusion about why I can’t join you, I feel the weight of my inability to explain. I cannot say “I’m sorry” enough to convey the depth of what you might be feeling, especially when you might not fully understand the situation.
I hope that we can grow stronger, even as we navigate this separation. I wish for our family to stand firm, even if our connections are stretched. I hope this never feels inadequate to you, and that we can become more than just the sum of our parts.
I aspire for the day when I won’t feel compelled to fill this void with apologies. I hope that goodbyes will become easier, and one day, this will feel normal—like a family, not an incomplete version hastily stitched together.
I wish for you to experience the joy of having siblings, or at least the closeness that comes from friends and family who fill that role. You are okay, sweet girl. I will assure you of that as I comfort you through your fears.
I will always be here, reminding you that you are loved and supported in every way possible.
For further insights into navigating these challenges, you can explore more at this link. Additionally, if you’re interested in resources related to home insemination, this reference is a great resource, as is this blog.
In summary, this message reflects the complexities of parenting during a divorce, emphasizing the importance of emotional support and open communication with your child.