For four years, I delved deeply into the complexities of relationships. I immersed myself in contemporary research on fostering healthy connections and resolving conflicts when they arise. I explored books, attended lectures, and absorbed countless videos, effectively overwhelming my cognitive capacity with knowledge on relational dynamics, family systems, and marital health. I can observe a family’s interactions for just a few minutes and accurately deduce the backgrounds of the parents and the parenting styles their children have adopted. I am well-versed in relationships, families, and marriages. Yet, the challenge remains: why is it so difficult to apply this extensive knowledge to my own life?
Reflecting on the delightful trip that my partner, Ryan, and I took in January—celebrating both our graduation and anniversary—I was reminded of how magical it was. However, rather than reminiscing about our thrilling adventures, such as hiking a volcano or zip-lining through a rainforest, my mind fixated on a solitary walk I took along the beach. In that moment, I fantasized about abandoning my family and starting anew in Costa Rica.
The day didn’t start with that walk; it began about six hours prior, with an unusually cold “good morning” and a quiet breakfast. Ryan, typically not a morning person, had been unexpectedly amiable throughout our trip. But that morning, I sensed something was off. He woke up tense, snapped at me, and barely spoke during breakfast. Instead of trusting my instincts and inquiring about his mood, I chose to ignore his demeanor and continued with my day.
Here are three mistakes I made that day that affected both of us:
Mistake No. 1:
I turned away from Ryan instead of turning towards him. I missed an opportunity to initiate a heartfelt conversation that could have strengthened our bond. Instead, I withdrew, opting for emotional detachment while pretending to be unaffected.
As we settled into our favorite poolside cabana, I lost myself in my book and the sun, momentarily forgetting Ryan’s sour mood. However, my attempts to engage him in conversation were met with silence, reminding me of my emotional disconnection. When I finally asked him to fetch me a drink—something I felt was a reasonable request—his angry response left me feeling devalued. When I feel devalued, I become frustrated.
He stormed off to our room, and I remained by the pool, seething with anger. I realized that his harshness often stemmed from unmet needs.
Mistake No. 2:
Rather than approaching him with compassion when I sensed his emotional discomfort, I allowed my awareness to morph into resentment. I replayed past incidents where I felt unworthy, focusing solely on my hurt feelings rather than addressing his needs.
As time passed, I stewed in my grievances, mentally labeling him as selfish and inconsiderate. I waited an hour, expecting him to apologize, convinced that time would prompt his realization of wrongdoing.
Mistake No. 3:
I sought to reconnect by expecting Ryan to reach out to me first instead of offering my own support. When I returned to our room, I found him watching golf, waiting for him to initiate an apology. Instead of expressing concern for his well-being, I criticized him for sulking, which only deepened our rift.
Thus began my solitary walk along the beach, where I entertained thoughts of how much easier life would be without the responsibilities of marriage or parenthood. Yet, a realization halted my daydream: Ryan was struggling and needed my empathy.
Despite my desire to dwell in the fantasy of independence, I recognized his suffering and my role in it. I realized I had abandoned him when he needed me most.
While I wish I could claim that our conflicts have ceased since that day, the truth is that we still navigate challenges. After eight years together, our arguments have become less frequent, and our apologies come more swiftly. We have not reached perfection; we still grapple with selfishness and anger. Nonetheless, we persist in working on our relationship, continually striving for grace, mercy, and understanding.
Regardless of my extensive knowledge of relationships, I learn daily from my marriage. I practice turning toward Ryan, becoming aware of his needs, and focusing on giving rather than receiving. Above all, I fight for our marriage, even in challenging times, because it is worth the effort.
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Summary:
In this article, Dr. Amelia Wright shares insights from her personal relationship, detailing three common mistakes she has made: turning away from her partner instead of fostering communication, allowing resentment to overshadow compassion, and expecting reconnection without offering support. Her reflections highlight the ongoing journey of understanding and nurturing a marriage, emphasizing the importance of empathy and proactive engagement.