One Saturday afternoon, I found myself in an all-too-familiar scenario. It was 2 p.m., and instead of tackling the laundry, I had succumbed to the lure of a nap on the couch. My partner, Sarah, walked in, startled. “What’s going on here?” she exclaimed. “Why do you get to nap?”
“I’m not napping,” I replied, attempting humor. “I just happened to find myself here and realized how cozy it was.” My attempt at levity fell flat.
“I want a nap,” she insisted.
“Then take one,” I murmured, my voice muffled by the cushions.
“We don’t have time for that,” she replied, emphasizing the “we.” “The kids have a soccer game in 20 minutes, and after that, we need to pick up supplies for the backyard before the nursery closes.”
With that, she left the room, and a wave of guilt washed over me. With three children under the age of nine, achieving more than five hours of uninterrupted sleep often feels like a near-impossible feat. Nighttime disturbances are frequent. One child might wake for water, while another has a nightmare. Our youngest, Lily, a one-year-old, is particularly challenging; she fusses late into the night and rises early, often ready to seize the day before dawn.
Consequently, caffeine has become a staple in my daily routine. Our lives are filled with obligations—full-time work for me, and for Sarah, the demands of parenting and part-time studies. Our home requires constant attention, and the older kids’ extracurricular activities further complicate our already hectic schedules.
This chaotic lifestyle has turned sleep into a coveted resource, often sparking envy and tension between us. It has become a bargaining chip, exchanged for everything from chores to intimacy. If you were to ask Sarah what she desires most for her birthday, her answer would likely be sleep. I would echo that sentiment.
While we could theoretically prioritize sleep above all else, the reality of parenting is relentless. Our children constantly require attention, and there is never a moment to simply let go and rest. Additionally, our eldest is old enough to be left alone briefly, but I’m hesitant to leave him responsible for his younger siblings, especially the toddler.
Naps can occur only when one parent takes charge of the children while the other rests, creating an imbalance that can lead to resentment. However, a solution sometimes emerges through negotiation.
Just the previous weekend, I had been weeding in the yard when Sarah approached me, explaining her exhausting night with Lily. “If you let me take a nap, I can make it worth your while,” she proposed, suggesting a trade-off.
We negotiated the terms—she would nap while I took the kids to their soccer game, and later, I would get my turn to rest while she handled errands. Although neither of us relished the idea of managing three energetic children alone, the promise of a nap made it acceptable. As we concluded our deal, Sarah remarked, “It’s been nice doing business with you.”
In summary, sleep is a critical currency in marriage, particularly for parents. The relentless demands of raising children often lead to feelings of exhaustion and resentment when one partner seems to gain rest without reciprocation. Through open communication and negotiation, couples can create a more equitable approach to sharing the burden of parenting, ultimately leading to a healthier relationship dynamic.
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