Parenting is a unique journey for everyone, but it can come with its own set of challenges when you have a disability. As a mother of a lively 3-year-old, I also balance the roles of a military spouse and soon-to-be mother of two, all while navigating life with diastrophic dysplasia, a rare form of dwarfism. Standing at 4 feet 10 inches tall, I often find myself at eye level with my son, Leo. I’ve never allowed my disability to define me; instead, I’ve embraced independence, even undergoing limb lengthening surgery at 15 with the hope of gaining more mobility.
The notion of having children is often met with skepticism for those with my condition. However, my sister-in-law stepped forward to be a surrogate before my husband, Tom, and I had fully explored our options. When Tom returned from a yearlong deployment, we realized parenthood was actually within reach. Leo was born healthy, weighing 6 pounds 10 ounces, far surpassing the initial 3-pound goal set by my doctors. Having achieved something many deemed impossible keeps my outlook on parenting optimistic.
Every time I venture out with Leo—whether to a restaurant or a grocery store—I notice the curious glances from strangers, often wondering, “How does she manage that?” Behind this curiosity lies a desire to understand. In light of this, I thought it might be beneficial to address five common questions that arise around parenting with a disability.
“How did you give birth?”
One day, a neighbor asked, “Who’s the little boy you’re babysitting?” I was taken aback; he was referring to my son. I spent several minutes convincing him Leo was indeed mine. This made me reflect on why it’s difficult for some to believe a mother with a disability can have children. The truth is, I have no simple answer. My pregnancy was fraught with challenges, including difficulty with breathing and reliance on a wheelchair. When a fully capable friend shared her struggles with pregnancy, it highlighted that difficulties are not exclusive to those with disabilities. Regardless of our circumstances, every mother faces an array of challenges, and perhaps we should all ask ourselves, “How do we do it?”
“How do you discipline your child when he’s more capable than you?”
At just 9 months old, Leo was already on the move, and by 2, his agility surpassed mine. His energy and speed can sometimes create challenges when it comes to discipline. My advantage lies in my intellect. Leo thrives on attention and will often stop to reassess when I choose to walk away instead of engaging. This approach has proven effective, as I observe how my husband, who is physically strong, sometimes struggles to manage Leo’s energy. I remind him that sometimes intellect outweighs strength.
“What are your biggest fears as a mother with a disability?”
This question is often difficult for me to answer—not due to its intrusiveness, but because the fears are numerous. From ensuring Leo has the best opportunities to worrying about his safety, I grapple with typical maternal concerns amplified by my circumstances. One day, I mistakenly left the door unlocked, and Leo wandered outside. A neighbor and I quickly took action, highlighting that, regardless of our abilities, the instinct to protect our children unites us as parents.
“Does Leo notice your disability?”
When we are out together, Leo often takes the initiative to push my wheelchair, reflecting his understanding of our dynamic. I wonder if he helps because he sees his father do the same or if he recognizes my differences. Regardless, he seems happiest when I engage in his activities. I aim to teach him that my disability does not diminish my capabilities.
“What if my child asks about your condition?”
During Leo’s swimming lessons, a child asked her mother why I was small, prompting embarrassment from the parent. However, children ask questions out of genuine curiosity, striving to understand the world around them. I calmly explained, “I’m small because my bones don’t grow,” and it led to a delightful interaction. It’s important to remember that children’s questions are not rooted in malice, but rather a quest for understanding.
Parenting encompasses unique challenges, especially when navigating life with a disability. While there is no definitive guide to parenting, much less parenting with a disability, the process often revolves around adaptability and resilience, a common thread that connects all parents. For more insights into parenting and challenges during pregnancy, check out this article on home insemination here. If you’re considering starting a family, you may find useful information about fertility supplements at Make a Mom. For a deeper understanding of the conception process, this Wikipedia page is an excellent resource as well.
Summary
Parenting with a disability presents unique challenges, but it also fosters resilience, adaptability, and a unique perspective on motherhood. The experiences shared highlight common fears, misconceptions, and the joys of parenting that are universal, regardless of physical ability. It’s a journey filled with curiosity, learning, and love, proving that every parent shares the same fundamental goal—raising happy, healthy children.