There’s an unmistakable challenge that arises when you find yourself 3,000 miles from home, dealing with jet lag and the chaos of two energetic children. This past week, I experienced just that while “vacationing” in California with my little ones, visiting friends and family. My two-year-old took nearly the entire week to adjust to the new time zone, leading to numerous tantrums in the mornings and evenings. Meanwhile, my selective eight-year-old subsisted solely on cereal and chips throughout our trip.
Each morning, as we headed down for the continental breakfast, the atmosphere was filled with disputes. My children bickered over trivial matters: “Stop touching me! Stop sitting in my chair!” They argued with us about perceived injustices: “But you promised we could have chocolate this morning!” and over food preferences: my eight-year-old insisted that California milk tasted different than New York milk, while my two-year-old complained about the pancakes not being round enough.
Their volume was overwhelming. They talked incessantly in high-pitched voices, climbing on chairs, hiding under tables, and creating chaotic structures out of their toast and waffles. Heads turned in our direction. A woman across the room shot an irritated glance our way, while one child sported strawberry jam on his face and the other had his hand in his pants. They were loud and unruly—far from the picture of civility.
We attempted to shush them, and they somewhat complied. Yes, we occasionally whisked them away when their behavior became too disruptive, but the truth remained: they were simply being wild.
In my earlier days of motherhood, the disapproving looks from others would have cut me deeply. I would have internally criticized myself, questioning my capabilities as a parent. My thoughts would spiral:
- Why are my children the loudest in the room? Look at the family next to us, quietly enjoying their breakfast, perfectly cutting their waffles. Even the baby sits obediently while being fed.
- Why can’t my children follow simple instructions? It seems they have no regard for parental authority.
- Other parents have strategies—discipline books, sticker charts—those must be the answer.
Even amidst the chaos, I found myself grappling with these concerns during our trip. It often felt as though my children and my parenting were under scrutiny—not just during breakfast, but also with family and friends whose opinions I value.
Feeling self-conscious about your children’s behavior during these moments is akin to reliving the insecurities of middle school. Your cheeks flush, your heart races, and frustration bubbles up. It’s a visceral reaction that makes you want to hide away, to escape. But you cannot. You are responsible for your children, no shortcuts available.
However, there is a silver lining to this experience that I have come to appreciate over time: I am not alone.
And neither are you.
While I often find it frustrating when others say that struggling parents are not alone—because, in the moment, it feels utterly isolating—there exists a collective understanding among parents. Every caregiver faces days where they feel utterly lost, especially when outside their comfort zone and feeling judged.
To all the parents navigating public spaces with their spirited children:
- Your kids are not the only ones who express their displeasure loudly, even when you’ve tried your best to provide for their needs.
- Your children aren’t the only ones who seem indifferent to norms of cleanliness and decorum.
- You are not the only parents whose kids take “spirited” behavior to an extreme—whether it’s dancing on tables, loudly requesting treats at dawn, or displaying their belly buttons to strangers.
- And you are certainly not the only parent feeling uncertain about what to do.
What the public witnesses is merely a snapshot of your parenting journey. It is a moment heightened by noise and stress. It is crucial for others to recognize that judging a family based on a brief encounter is unfair. The reality is that children are naturally energetic and at times unruly. It is completely normal for children to struggle with transitions, to bicker with siblings, and to test boundaries as a form of trust and love.
Remember that the most exuberant children are often the most imaginative and clever. They are the ones who surprise you with newfound skills in a short time and create whimsical routines at the crack of dawn. Your children possess a remarkable ability to be authentically themselves, and you are not alone in feeling overwhelmed by it all.
In fact, at the very moment you feel like you’re failing, there’s likely another parent experiencing the exact same emotions. It could very well be me.
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In summary, parenting can often feel isolating, especially during chaotic moments in public. It’s important to recognize that you are far from alone in your struggles. Every parent faces challenges, and the spirited behavior of children is a natural part of their development. Embrace the messiness of parenthood and remember that these moments, while trying, are a shared experience among caregivers everywhere.