Over the course of 16 years, my spouse and I have navigated the complexities of maintaining a household, switching careers, and raising children. Although my journey hasn’t been akin to a battlefield, I’ve found myself adopting the mindset of a soldier—trudging through the murky waters of communication and overcoming the formidable challenges of sharing responsibilities and parenting. I had been meticulously crafting a strategy to help my husband understand me, with the ultimate goal of ensuring that we, two individuals who pledged our lives to each other in front of God and family, would endure together through the trials.
I believed I was achieving this, until a significant flaw became apparent. My focus had become fixated on the immediate challenges before me, causing me to lose sight of the broader picture. As I poured my emotions into journaling or composed letters to express my grievances, I was looking down. Long walks meant for reflection became another way to keep my gaze directed at my own feelings. I was undoubtedly looking down when I gave him the silent treatment or adopted a passive-aggressive stance.
This tendency to look down is common. We become so engrossed in our own experiences that we overlook the importance of looking up to see the world around us. While journaling and letter writing have their merits, my 16 years as a partner have taught me that the best starting point is examining my own focus. Unfortunately, I often found myself looking down.
This isn’t to dismiss my feelings of anger or hurt. My partner, Alex, would readily admit to his share of mistakes over the years (and yes, I have my own as well). In my early years of marriage, I would silently simmer, compiling a mental list of “evidence” to justify my anger. I validated my feelings of hurt with numerous examples of his thoughtlessness or self-centered behavior. This inward focus only served to heighten the tension.
Eventually, my feelings of self-righteousness would reach a boiling point, leading to explosive outbursts. I often expressed my frustrations in ways that were hurtful and regrettable. I’ve sought his forgiveness for those moments, yet the echoes of those words still linger in my mind. Thankfully, I am fortunate to have a partner who stood by me during those turbulent times, enduring my outbursts until I could calm down enough to engage in meaningful conversation. Regrettably, this was the pattern for many years.
At this 16-year milestone, our approach has shifted significantly—most of the time. When anger arises, my immediate response is no longer to lash out verbally or to build a case against him. Instead, I consciously choose to look up, both literally and metaphorically. I strive to reassess the situation from a new angle, acknowledging my own role in the conflict, or, as is often the case, my inaction. While I may still feel intense emotions and the evidence may seem to favor my perspective, I’ve learned that discussing my grievances is far more productive—and less dramatic—when I maintain some perspective.
Each day, I make an effort to look up. Although this shift has not rendered our lives flawless or our communication seamless, it has certainly eased our journey and minimized the pain in our exchanges. It has allowed me to focus on resolving issues rather than simply being right. More importantly, it has helped me to continue recognizing the man I fell in love with and pledged my life to 16 years ago, because he remains right before me.
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In summary, the most significant lesson I’ve learned from my marriage over the last 16 years is the importance of perspective. By consciously choosing to look up, I’ve fostered healthier communication and a deeper understanding of my partner, allowing us to navigate challenges together more effectively.