Parenting
What Happens When You Don’t Experience Instant Love for Your Adopted Child?
By Dr. Emily Carter
Updated: June 2, 2020
Originally Published: August 23, 2015
My son, Alex, exemplifies bravery in ways that astound me, a remarkable trait for a child of five. My partner and I welcomed him into our family through adoption from China when he was just three years old. In a single day, his entire world was transformed, and so was mine.
On that fateful morning, Alex woke up in a familiar environment, having spent his last night at the orphanage he had always known. The caregiver who had nurtured him since infancy likely reassured him about the joys of having a forever family while helping him dress. However, for a child who had lived his life surrounded by cribs, the concept of family or permanence was abstract at best.
Later that day, he encountered a lively redhead who spoke in a peculiar accent — that was me. After a whirlwind of paperwork and emotional farewells, the woman from the orphanage departed, taking with her the last remnants of his familiar world — permanently.
It was difficult to discern who felt more frightened: this fragile little boy or me. His skin was pale, and his tiny frame revealed each rib.
For eight months, I had been gazing at his photographs, eagerly anticipating the moment I would become his mother. I had convinced myself I loved him already. However, we later learned that he had been bundled and perhaps padded in those pictures; he was underweight and struggling with medical issues that we were not informed about — serious and alarming concerns that left us unprepared.
In a moment, I realized that my imagined affection didn’t translate into reality.
I was overwhelmed with panic, confusion, and guilt for not feeling an immediate bond. Alex was unwell and had an unfamiliar odor. Yet, he was now my son — for life.
I recall sitting on the cold bathroom floor of our hotel in China, thinking, “I can’t do this … I can’t be his mother.” I vividly remember resting my cheek against the tub, tears streaming down my face, feeling utterly alone in my fear.
I contemplated leaving him behind, even though I knew I couldn’t. We ultimately brought him home. Was my decision driven by maternal instincts, sympathy, or a desire to uphold appearances? I hesitated to delve deeper into those feelings, as such introspection was too uncomfortable.
We gradually established a new routine, filled with numerous doctor appointments: specialists, nutritionists, and early intervention programs. Alex faced a tumultuous transition but adjusted surprisingly well. He began to trust us and quickly learned to communicate in English. His appetite was astonishing; this once tiny boy could eat voraciously.
While I still experienced moments of anxiety and uncertainty, I found solace in his progress. If he could adapt, I held hope that I would eventually arrive at a place of connection, too.
Learning to love Alex became an intentional choice for me. The concept of “fake it till you make it” was challenging, yet that is precisely what I practiced.
While social workers often discuss the importance of bonding in adoption, they seldom focus on the emotional challenges faced by parents who struggle to connect with their children. It can be an incredibly isolating experience, and I know this firsthand.
Reflecting on our journey, I am astounded at how far we have come. Today, Alex is a healthy, confident child brimming with life and mischief. He has gained weight and shed that frail appearance, now understanding the security of having enough food and the meaning of family.
Seven months into our life together, I walked past the living room where Alex was watching television. “Come here, Mommy,” he beckoned, patting the couch. Though I was busy, I decided to sit down, even if it meant watching a show featuring some aging Aussie entertainers.
As he climbed onto my lap and wrapped my arms around him, he proclaimed, “Mommy, we are best friends.” I held him a little tighter, resting my cheek on his head and inhaling that sweet, familiar scent of a little boy. In that moment, I felt genuine affection — a realization that we had arrived at a meaningful bond.
This journey has been fraught with challenges. Our life is not a fairy tale, but each step we’ve taken together makes our connection more precious. While I may have initially thought I chose to love Alex, I now realize that love chose me in return.
For further insights on the intricacies of adoption and family-building, you can explore this article and learn more about the resources available from Make A Mom. Additionally, the American Society for Reproductive Medicine offers valuable resources for prospective parents.
Summary
Navigating the emotional complexities of adoption can be daunting, especially when love does not manifest immediately. This journey requires time, patience, and conscious effort to foster a bond. With resilience and support, it is possible to create a loving family dynamic, transforming initial apprehensions into meaningful relationships.