“I apologize. It’s related to her Asperger’s.” This was the sincere expression of regret articulated by my nearly seven-year-old daughter, Emma, following an intense emotional outburst in her classroom the previous day, during which she had harshly rejected her closest friend. As a mother navigating the complexities of raising a child with Asperger’s, I instinctively sought to redirect her feelings, suggesting that such a statement could be perceived as an excuse and lacked genuine remorse.
I encouraged her to explore her empathetic side, which, while not always readily accessible, I believe she possesses. “Perhaps you could tell her you’re sorry, that you didn’t mean it, that she truly is your friend, and you won’t raise your voice at her again…” I proposed. “It’s not an excuse,” Emma retorted firmly. “It’s the truth. That’s what I’m going to say.”
Despite my attempts to reshape her understanding of an apology, she boarded the bus for school still anxious and fixated on the necessity of my writing an apology for her. She expressed frustration over her dislike for writing, which she finds physically taxing, indicating that it was all too overwhelming for her. Emma declared she wouldn’t speak to her friend that day, nor would she be able to face her, out of fear.
As I reflected on my own feelings of inadequacy as a parent for not helping her perceive things differently, I recognized that I was perhaps trying too hard. In my efforts to teach her about “Theory of Mind”—the understanding that others have different thoughts and feelings—I inadvertently diminished her own challenges.
The Misunderstanding of Asperger’s
This misunderstanding is common. Due to her high-functioning nature, many people often assume she has more control than she truly does. They overlook sensory overload, difficulties in navigating social interactions, and challenges with fine and gross motor skills that don’t warrant occupational therapy. Consequently, they may judge her harshly when she experiences a meltdown that could rival that of a toddler.
I sometimes catch their disapproving glances and hear the whispered judgments: a spoiled child in need of discipline, perhaps a result of inadequate parenting. At times, Emma resembles a contemporary Veruca Salt, demanding yet another stuffed animal, believing that it will alleviate her feelings of being overwhelmed by sensory input and social nuances that are too complex for her to process in that moment. To her, the object of her fixation is simple and tangible, providing a momentary solution to her chaos.
While her emotional reactions may seem irrational to us, for her, they are a desperate search for clarity amid confusion. After her emotional outburst at school regarding her friend, she later called me from the principal’s office, stating, “I’m having a rough day. She said she couldn’t attend my birthday party, and I told her she wasn’t my friend anymore, but I was just being sarcastic.”
“Sweetie, that’s not sarcasm,” I said, feeling defeated. Sarcasm has been a recurring issue for her, often leading to confusion. She attempted to convey that she hadn’t meant her words, labeling it as sarcasm. I made a note to clarify this concept further and encouraged her to apologize.
Recognizing the Challenges
I was quick to correct her actions, emphasizing that outbursts and yelling at friends are not acceptable behaviors. Yet, in reality, I understood that she was reacting to the disappointment and confusion stemming from her friend’s polite refusal to attend her party due to prior commitments. Overwhelmed by emotion, Emma had exploded, unable to process the situation logically. I felt sympathy for the innocent friend simply trying to communicate her inability to attend the party, and even more so for Emma, who struggled to interpret the situation through her heightened sensitivity.
While I regret the hurt my daughter caused another child and the challenges she presents to the adults around her, I also recognize the legitimacy of her perspective: “It’s the Asperger’s.” She is still young and has high-functioning autism that may not be readily visible to the casual observer. Yes, she is bright, charming, and often delightful, but she also experiences moments of intense, socially inappropriate reactions that can be perplexing, especially when she is wearing a sparkly dress during such episodes.
It may not conform to societal expectations, but I understand: It’s the Asperger’s. Remarkably, her teacher later informed me that Emma did manage to apologize to her friend that day. She reached deep within herself and made the effort. Although I am unsure of her exact words, the specifics are secondary; what matters is that she found her own way to express remorse, and I am immensely proud of her for that.
Resources for Parents
For those navigating similar experiences, consider exploring resources such as this article on infertility for insights on pregnancy and home insemination. Additionally, check out this guide on fertility boosters for further information. You might also find helpful tips in our related blog post.
Conclusion
In summary, understanding and responding to a child with Asperger’s requires patience and empathy. While their actions may be puzzling at times, it is crucial to recognize the underlying challenges they face. Encouraging them to express their feelings authentically can foster growth and self-awareness.