By: Laura Thompson
Updated: Dec. 26, 2015
Originally Published: Aug. 17, 2015
As my daughter transitioned from twelve to thirteen, the unmistakable sign appeared on her bedroom door: “PRIVATE. DO NOT ENTER!!!!!” Adorned with scented markers and cheerful daisy stickers, the multiple exclamation points emphasized her point clearly.
Throughout her seventh-grade year, the messages evolved, becoming increasingly creative. As a fan of Dr. Who, one sign warned, “Enter at your own risk: Guarded by Daleks.” Another displayed a humorous list of Edward Gorey-inspired punishments for any intruders daring to breach her sanctuary. While she rarely voiced complaints about my occasional unannounced visits, the signs indicated her desire for space as she navigated the complexities of growing up. This room had transformed from merely her childhood space to a true “Room of Her Own,” albeit the Junior Edition.
Initially, I felt a pang of sadness at being excluded from this cherished part of her life. However, I quickly realized the importance of giving my daughters their own space. We are fortunate to share a close bond while also having the solitude we sometimes need. Just as the saying goes, good fences make good neighbors; our family dynamic thrives with a few closed doors.
My older daughter had begun this trend two and a half years earlier, often shutting her door at night. On occasion, I found myself knocking tirelessly, sometimes losing my temper when she failed to respond. This was particularly frustrating as she still required assistance getting out of bed in the morning. I would often ask in frustration, “How can you lock me out and still depend on me for so much?”
The question I wished to pose but never did was, “Why wouldn’t you want me around?” Yet, with my second daughter, I find it easier to accept the locked doors and the forceful signs. Having witnessed my older daughter emerge from the tangled web of adolescence, I now understand that these boundaries are part of their journey. At nearly 17, she no longer finds me embarrassing; she has become respectful and kind, making my feelings less vulnerable to her requests for privacy.
My younger daughter, like me, has a passion for writing. She often spends hours crafting the beginning of a fantasy story featuring a blue-haired alien protagonist inspired by Cinderella. Though still honing her craft, she also writes song lyrics reminiscent of Carrie Underwood, exploring themes of heartache she has yet to experience. When she retreats to her room, I recognize it’s not an escape from me, but rather a journey towards self-discovery. Echoing the sentiments of Virginia Woolf, she instinctively understands that a writer—no matter how young—requires a sanctuary for her imagination to flourish.
I can empathize, as I too seek quiet moments to write, away from the distractions of household duties and work obligations. Although our home is a shared space, there are days I long for a single room dedicated solely to my writing. If I had that space, I would post a sign of my own, declaring, “KEEP OUT! WRITER AT WORK!!!!!!!!!” without the cheerful embellishments.
While I still occasionally intrude on my daughters’ spaces, I approach it with a more seasoned perspective as a mother of teenagers. I have learned when to assert my expectations without apology—yes, you must help with dinner cleanup, yes, you need to fold your laundry, and no, you cannot watch your favorite show until your homework is complete. However, I’ve also learned the value of allowing them to spend hours in their own world, as they see fit.
In just two years, my eldest will graduate from high school, and in five years, my youngest will turn 19. Ultimately, they will venture into the world, searching for their own spaces and defining how to inhabit them. The signs on their doors will eventually come down as they grow more secure in their identities.
Once they leave, I will have ample time to focus on my writing. Yet, I am certain I will miss those signs on their doors.
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Summary
As daughters grow, they create boundaries that reflect their journey toward independence. The evolution of their personal spaces signifies their need for solitude and self-discovery. As a mother, recognizing and respecting these boundaries can foster a healthy relationship. The transition from childhood to adolescence brings unique challenges, but it ultimately contributes to their growth into confident individuals.