As I approach my 42nd birthday, I find myself grappling with the all-too-familiar urge to indulge in comfort foods. However, this year, I am committed to overcoming what some may call the Birthday Blues. With my birthday on the horizon, I’m striving to embrace the notion that this milestone will be even more rewarding than turning 21.
It seems that as we age, we often romanticize our younger years, viewing them as a time of unencumbered freedom and excitement. Yet, if I reflect honestly, I recognize that my youth was far from a flawless adventure. In my twenties, I was consumed by a sense of fear disguised as boldness. I solo backpacked through Europe, traversed Australia, and took jobs in unfamiliar states, all while scaling mountains and diving into oceans. Beneath that adventurous facade, I was riddled with insecurities.
I feared I would never find my true purpose, leading me to chase every career opportunity that came my way, experimenting with various paths. I was concerned about being alone, clinging to relationships that were ultimately unfulfilling. I struggled with self-worth, often sabotaging my chances for genuine love. My insecurities pushed me to seek out physical challenges, fueled by a belief that I needed to prove my strength. I was caught in a cycle of excessive fun, thinking it would fill a void, and I often pretended to possess knowledge I did not have. I envied what others possessed, wishing for lives that seemed more complete than my own.
Now, in my forties, I’ve come to appreciate that true courage lies not in the absence of fear but in learning to manage it. I’ve realized that discovering my calling requires less talking and more listening—to myself and those around me. I’ve come to understand that imperfections do not preclude love; embracing my flaws allows for deeper connections. The profound love a parent has for their child is immeasurable and unwavering, regardless of circumstances.
Strength is not solely about the physical feats we accomplish; it also lies in how we respond to life’s unpredictability. Witnessing my mother’s resilience in battling cancer and my father’s unwavering spirit despite physical limitations has taught me valuable lessons about strength and gratitude.
While I still seek to enjoy life more fully, I recognize that the weight of advanced degrees and life experiences has shown me that I don’t have all the answers. My children often remind me of this truth. Admitting “I don’t know” liberates me from the relentless pursuit of perfection. The act of acknowledging mistakes, especially in my role as a parent, reveals the importance and depth of those simple words: “I’m sorry.”
Although I occasionally find myself coveting the seemingly perfect lives of others, I’ve learned to appreciate the unique gifts that life offers. God provides what we need for growth, whether it comes in moments of joy or sorrow. Above all, I’ve realized that I am enough—flaws and all.
As I turn 42, I still confront fears related to the safety and well-being of my loved ones, the fleeting nature of time, and the desire to fully utilize the gifts I have, beyond material possessions. These are the challenges I will tackle moving forward.
In summary, reflecting on my journey toward 42 has illuminated the importance of embracing imperfections and recognizing my worth. By understanding that life is a complex tapestry of experiences, I can approach this birthday—and the years ahead—with a renewed sense of purpose and acceptance.
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