Updated: Jan. 5, 2016
Originally Published: Aug. 11, 2015
Dr. Sarah Mills, an educator, mother, and author of The Value of Failure, experienced a transformative realization in her dual roles as a teacher and a parent. After years of observing students and raising her children, she recognized that, despite our best intentions, many parents have inadvertently instilled a fear of failure in today’s youth. This fear, she argues, has impeded their ability to achieve true success.
Our responsibility as parents is to foster skills such as competence, independence, and intrinsic motivation in our children. However, Dr. Mills noticed that instead of promoting these qualities, we often create dependency and pave an easy path for our kids, assuming there will be ample time to teach them essential life skills before they reach adulthood.
While it may feel gratifying to assist our children, we must confront the reality that our well-meaning actions can hinder their development. For instance, in an effort to help my son become more organized during his middle and high school years, I installed a large dry-erase board above his study area, encouraging him to list his assignments. My intention was to visually remind him of his workload and deadlines. Yet, I often found myself reminding him to use the board, thus preventing him from fully taking responsibility. When he entered college, far from my watchful eye, he struggled with due dates and made errors in submitting assignments. I realized that, although I had designed the board to foster independence, my parental instincts to intervene often got in the way.
Once Dr. Mills recognized similar patterns in her parenting, she and her husband committed to a new approach. They decided to refrain from rescuing their children from mistakes and instead encouraged them to assume age-appropriate responsibilities both at home and school. Dr. Mills understood that relinquishing the impulse to “fix” things for her children was crucial for nurturing their competence and independence, even if it meant forgoing immediate satisfaction.
A pivotal moment occurred when her younger son forgot an important homework assignment on the living room table just before leaving for school. Although she had the chance to deliver it, she chose not to. In a candid post on social media, she shared her struggle with allowing her children to face the consequences of their actions, remarking that this approach was “KILLING ME.”
Support poured in from followers, but one mother questioned whether Dr. Mills was being too harsh. She argued that forgetting is a natural part of life, and as a loving parent, shouldn’t she intervene? Dr. Mills responded thoughtfully, emphasizing that while helping a friend or partner is valued, doing the same for children sends a detrimental message about their abilities. She noted that such actions can foster dependency and undermine their development.
I admit I was once that dissenting voice, believing I was helping my children by stepping in. But reflecting on Dr. Mills’ insights, I now understand the importance of allowing children to navigate their challenges. The son for whom I previously delivered forgotten items now attends college, and he recently called to ask when I would visit next, having once again left some of his belongings behind.
Despite my children’s growing independence, Dr. Mills’ work has prompted me to reevaluate my parenting style. I have, at times, failed to allow my son to experience the natural consequences of his actions. Although he reassured me that it was his responsibility to remember his items, I surprised us both by not rushing to his aid.
Dr. Mills’ book serves as an invaluable resource for parents, reminding us that our role is not merely to ensure our children’s immediate happiness or success but to help cultivate their ability to thrive as independent adults. For further insights on this topic, you can explore more at this blog post or check out this excellent resource on pregnancy. Additionally, if you are looking for ways to enhance fertility, this site provides authoritative information.
Summary
Empowering our children to embrace failure is essential for fostering their independence and competence. By allowing them to face the consequences of their actions, parents can nurture resilience and self-sufficiency, ultimately preparing them for adulthood.