When the reality of separation hits, it can be a challenging moment for children. I vividly recall watching their expressions shift from innocence to confusion, then to shock and worry as they processed the news. They had many questions: Where would they live? Who would they live with? Why were we splitting up? What about the pets? And could they get kittens at the new house where they would be living part-time?
Fortunately, we had prepared ourselves as best we could for this moment. We aimed to provide clarity and reassurance during the transition, demonstrating that even though our relationship had changed, we were still united in our commitment to co-parenting as a team—albeit with new boundaries.
However, one question caught me off guard: “How?” Our ten-year-old, Oliver, asked, “How can you both still be our parents even if you’re not partners anymore?” I struggled to articulate a response. Was it because we had to? Because we were committed to prioritizing their needs over our own? Because we had technology to help us stay connected? Or simply that despite our marital difficulties, my ex-partner and I had always been adept at the practical aspects of parenting?
Then it struck me: “It’ll be akin to how we manage things with Sam.” Sam is many things—our donor, the man my partner and I sought out to help expand our family. He is Oliver’s and his brother Ethan’s biological father and has played a pivotal role in their lives since before their conception.
Sam’s involvement has proven to be both meaningful and consistent. Although he doesn’t reside in our city, he visits multiple times a year, spending significant time with us during holidays and summers. He has taken care of the boys when my partner and I needed a break, and he has even traveled with them to visit his family. His connection with the boys is maintained through phone calls and FaceTime, making him much more than just a distant figure—he is another father in their lives.
I realized that our children have always understood the concept of having a parent who doesn’t live with them. They are accustomed to the idea that co-parenting can happen without romantic involvement, and that mutual respect and affection can still exist.
“It’ll be like it is with Sam,” I told Oliver, hoping to convey all this in a simple phrase. At that moment, I saw him visibly relax. “Oh,” he replied, his demeanor softening. “Yeah.”
While it didn’t erase the complexities of the situation, it provided them with a framework to understand their mothers’ separation. If we could successfully co-parent with Sam without being partners or living together, the same could apply to my ex and me. Perhaps it wasn’t as daunting as it appeared.
As I voiced this understanding, I too felt a sense of relief. There are numerous challenges that come with separating after nearly two decades, but amidst the legalities and logistics, it is reassuring to know that I am already equipped to navigate the responsibilities of parenting with someone who isn’t a partner. In fact, I have been doing this since before my children were born.
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Summary
Co-parenting after separation can be challenging, but it is possible to maintain a supportive family dynamic. By drawing parallels to existing non-partner parenting arrangements, such as those with a donor, children can find comfort in understanding that love and respect can still flourish despite changes in familial structure.