Parenting Performance (n.): The act put on by parents when others—be it fellow parents or their own—observe their interactions with their children.
Phase 1: Culinary Performance
At home, Ava may protest at the sight of broccoli, and Liam may react to fish as if it were spoiled. While these food preferences can be frustrating, they are simply part of daily life with Ava and Liam. However, during a dinner at a friend’s house featuring fish and green beans, it’s time to showcase some parental theatrics. Options for this performance include:
- Complete Fabrication: Claim that Liam is allergic to fish! Ava enjoys every vegetable except green beans! (“Oh, I’m so sorry. Do you have any pasta?”)
- Parental Mediation: Ava and Liam are discreetly informed that as long as they keep quiet, there’s nothing to worry about. Meanwhile, they are served fish and green beans while you indulge in extra servings of garlic bread.
- Traditional Approach: Ava and Liam are sternly instructed, in front of other guests, that they must take at least one bite of everything to be polite, leading to a standoff that makes everyone uncomfortable enough for the host to suggest ordering cheese pizza, which should have been the plan from the start.
Phase 2: Playground Performance
This phase primarily involves feigning indifference to another child’s disruptive behavior (“It’s fine, they’re just kids. I’m sure your kid didn’t mean to crash into mine with a toy truck!”) or excessively apologizing when it’s your child causing the trouble, even if you suspect the other child shares some blame (“I’m so sorry! That’s really not like him. He never takes toys from others. What could have possessed him?”). Other instances include making a big deal out of taking your child off the swing after a few minutes while others let their kids swing indefinitely, or wandering the park searching for your child while trying to appear composed.
Phase 3: Device Performance
When hosting another family for dinner, your children are engrossed in their devices. You shout for them to turn them off, and as the doorbell rings, iPad cases snap shut or devices are forcibly removed from their hands. “We only allow 20 minutes of screen time,” you declare, engaging in a moral discussion on limiting screen use with your guests, even as you secretly glance at your own phone. The children then engage in the energetic activities they pursue when not glued to screens: Nerf battles, indoor soccer, and endless complaints about boredom. After dinner—when the noise level reaches a point that even a professional athlete would struggle to concentrate—someone suggests, “How about a movie?” and you remember why you invited them over: to finally achieve some peace and quiet.
Phase 4: “Are You Addressing Me?” Performance
In this phase, when your children are younger, a meltdown occurs after you separate your child from another equally upset child. Your child screams threats while attempting to strike you, prompting a response of “No! You do NOT hit Mommy” (even though, yes, she occasionally does) and “Oh sweetheart, you’re just exhausted,” concluded with a firm “That’s ENOUGH!” as you secure her into the stroller to make a hasty exit. When they are older, this performance arises when your 10-year-old son insults his 8-year-old brother in the grocery store checkout line, and you admonish him with a “Watch your language!” in a hushed tone, despite having used much stronger words not long before when someone took your parking spot.
Phase 5: Grandparent Performance
This final phase occurs when your children exhibit any of the aforementioned behaviors in front of your parents. You overcompensate for perceived shortcomings, perhaps even locking your children in a closet for failing to address the UPS delivery person politely. You pause to recall that at eight years old, you fell out of your parents’ car because you weren’t buckled in. At this point, you inform your parents where they can place their judgmental observations while your kids enjoy snacks and play games at the playground, oblivious to the rules. “Don’t judge me, parents of the 70s. At least my kids are in safe car seats.”
In conclusion, navigating the stages of parenting can feel like a performance, complete with its own set of challenges and theatrics. For more insights on home insemination and parenting, explore our other articles, like this one on intracervical insemination, or check out this comprehensive guide for a deeper understanding. Additionally, resources such as this IVF guide can provide valuable information for those considering pregnancy options.