“Yes,” I replied, fully aware it might spoil her dinner. “You can have as many as you want.”
The next day, I decided against sending her to day camp. Instead, I allowed her to lounge on the couch in her pajamas, indulging in her favorite snacks while streaming her favorite shows on Netflix. I termed it a mental health day. I extended this allowance to the following day, despite my commitments to work from home and the mounting tasks I was neglecting. In recent weeks, I had immersed myself in work, writing, and getting published. On days when I felt down, I turned to movies and pizza for comfort. So why shouldn’t she have that same opportunity?
A few years back, I encountered an article questioning why we often fail to extend the same respect to our children that we afford our partners. On one particularly challenging day—when my patience was running thin, and I found myself saying things I would never utter to an adult—I reflected on my tone and demeanor with my daughter. I realized I would never speak that way to a friend or colleague. Why was it acceptable to communicate that way with her?
This realization wasn’t about treating her as an adult; it was about extending the basic respect I grant to all individuals. While it does echo the principle of treating others how I wish to be treated, it was more fundamentally about creating a more harmonious living environment.
My child can be quite selective with her food choices. She prefers specific types, brands, sizes, and textures, which has led to countless moments of frustration and embarrassment during family dinners. I’ve navigated the emotional rollercoaster of parenting a picky eater—from desperation to bargaining and bribing. I’ve even tried to encourage her to eat vegetables by getting my thumb dirty in the garden, hoping she would follow suit. She observes me (and now her younger sibling) eating a variety of greens, so it’s not an environmental issue. The fact is, she has a strong affinity for sugar, and while I do my best to limit it, the struggle remains.
During her recent absence, I found myself slipping into unhealthy eating habits. No longer required to prepare meals for her, I would often eat my morning oatmeal around noon and load up on coffee. By evening, I would feel faint with hunger and hastily prepare something, often opting for whatever was easiest. As I walked through grocery aisles today, I became aware of how often I dismissed foods with thoughts like, “No, that doesn’t sound good,” or “Ew!” This reflection led me to question why I couldn’t extend the same respect to her food preferences.
So, I decided to purchase a few of her favorite junk food crackers and even a small box of Lucky Charms that she had requested. Once home, while we were both unpacking groceries and snacking on an array of items—fruit, chips, crackers, and hummus—I said, “If you’re hungry, I can make you something.”
“I’m not hungry. I just want to snack,” she replied.
“Yeah, me too. I guess we both enjoy snacking on foods we like.”
This led to a new agreement. I allocated a lower cupboard for her snacks and divided a section of the fridge. We discussed this arrangement, and I decided to see how it unfolded. As long as she made healthy choices and didn’t succumb to junk food on an empty stomach, I granted her the freedom to manage her appetite without pressure to eat specific portions or complete her meal for a reward.
Thus far, this approach has proven successful. I’ve alleviated the stress of enforcing traditional sit-down meals with rigid expectations. My daughter now casually drifts in and out of the kitchen, grazing on yogurt, cheese, fruits, or peanut butter in a manner reminiscent of characters from the movie “Mermaids.” I am completely at ease with this new dining dynamic.
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In summary, allowing children the freedom to make their own food choices can lead to a more relaxed parenting experience and foster a healthier relationship with food. By respecting their preferences, we create an environment where they feel empowered and understood.