Reflecting on my early days as a new mother, I vividly recall the well-intentioned advice from parents of older children who eagerly shared their experiences with me. While I appreciated their concern, there were moments when their comments felt overwhelming. My pride and fatigue often led me to dismiss their words, feeling mildly offended.
Now, having navigated the parenting journey for some time, I’ve come to understand the urge seasoned parents feel to impart their wisdom. It’s a natural inclination to want to share insights gained from experience, especially with those who are just starting out.
When I encounter a mother expressing frustration about the challenges of raising young kids, I consciously avoid saying phrases like “it gets easier” or “I’m glad those days are behind me.” I recognize that such sentiments may not be received kindly. It’s a common tendency for those who have moved beyond a particular struggle to express relief and offer guidance to those still facing it.
My memories of the tender moments of parenting are vivid, but I also remember the sleepless nights, the battles over bath time, and the chaos that comes with a toddler’s unpredictable behavior. As a more experienced mom, I often feel the urge to assure new mothers that “it will improve” or suggest strategies to manage the chaos. However, I choose to hold back.
This restraint stems from understanding that my comments, though well-meaning, may imply “you’re doing it wrong” or “thank goodness I’m past that.” Those underlying messages can be discouraging, even if they are unintentional. In my own early days of motherhood, I felt that sting even when no words were explicitly spoken.
The emotions of connection and nostalgia drive seasoned moms to say things like, “I’ve been there, and it’s tough. You will overcome this.” I cannot deny that I sometimes feel a sense of relief that those challenging moments are behind me, yet it’s crucial for me to keep that relief to myself.
Conversely, mothers of young children may view my parenting stage with apprehension, expressing fear about the teenage years. They might exclaim, “I can’t even think about that! Teenagers today are so different!” My instinct is to defend my children, reminding myself that they are still my babies, even as they grow. I want to share the positive aspects of these years—like engaging in stimulating conversations and truly understanding my children as individuals. But before I know it, I’m saying, “Just wait.”
Both new and seasoned mothers often find themselves rolling their eyes and defending their unique parenting styles. A new mom might dismiss my parenting choices just as I sometimes question hers. While she may take offense at my queries about her child’s sleep habits, I might judge her decision to allow her preteen to wear makeup.
When we critique one another, we weaken our connection. Our shared experience as mothers is threatened by this judgment. The truth is, my infants were once like hers, and in time, her children will grow up just as mine have.
It’s essential to cultivate a spirit of grace. Just as I strive to do the best I can with the resources and knowledge available, she is navigating her own challenges in her own context. I can support her by listening and showing genuine interest in her parenting journey. In turn, she can offer the same to me, fostering a mutual exchange of grace.
For me, practicing grace often means simply holding my tongue.