Dear Sons,
My love for you is immeasurable. I would do just about anything for you, even sharing the last scoop of my favorite ice cream. If I’m foolish enough to indulge in something delicious while you’re around instead of sneaking away like a sensible parent, then I suppose I have to let you have a taste.
I strive to be a good mother, most of the time. I may have fibbed to your father about the cat being responsible for his favorite beer stein meeting its demise. I assisted you in clearing the Lego fortress you constructed in the living room, even when you claimed it was too challenging to clean up when I needed to vacuum.
I often extend “five more minutes” into 10 or even 15, allowing you to finish watching your beloved shows, like Mickey Mouse Clubhouse, where you break into your own delightful dance to the “Hot Dog Hot Dog Hot Diggity Dog” theme. I admire your moves, little ones.
While I know that physics classes are a while away for you, it’s important to note that I struggled in my own science classes. With that said, here are two fundamental truths about boys and urination:
- Your anatomy is significantly smaller than the circumference of the toilet bowl.
- Proper positioning in front of the toilet dramatically reduces the risk of unintended splatter.
Mothers of boys, you understand the unique challenges that come with raising sons. I’m thankful I won’t have to navigate debates over hairstyles, and I cherish those moments when you call me “pretty” on days when I make zero effort. However, I am not fond of cleaning up after you.
The “boy bathroom smell” has become all too familiar, and I know you know what I mean. It’s a distinct odor that even the most potent cleaning agents cannot completely eliminate. How is it that liquid from such a small place manages to miss a much larger target?
After observing your bathroom behaviors, I’ve come to understand how those little puddles appear with such frequency. And yes, I know your brother is often the culprit, so my inquiries about “who did this?” or “who forgot to flush?” may seem silly.
Here are some behaviors I’ve noted that hinder your aim:
- Turning around mid-stream to check out the TV or see if your brother is playing with your toys is a no-go. Focus on your target.
- Playing video games while attempting to pee is not advisable. Multitasking can wait.
- Bringing a “wingman” into the bathroom is unnecessary. Excess company can lead to unfortunate results.
- Attempting to pee in the dark without turning on the light significantly lowers your chances of hitting the toilet. Please turn on the lights.
- Experimenting with creative designs while urinating is best saved for art projects, not bathroom time.
I have faith that you will grow into successful and confident men who will one day marry wonderful women, and I want to avoid any awkward moments during family gatherings because you didn’t master the art of toilet aim. So, please take this advice to heart and remember to flush!
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In summary, my dear sons, please focus on your aim while using the toilet. Your future success and my sanity depend on it!