During my pregnancy with Lucas, I would have never imagined that he could one day cause me profound heartache. How could this perfect little being, who filled my world with joy and expanded my heart, ever bring me pain? I could feel the warmth of his kind spirit growing within me.
Yet here I am, seven years later, receiving a call that shatters my heart. “Mommy, I want to live with my Dad.”
It has been two long weeks since I last saw him, the longest separation I have endured. I feel an emptiness that gnaws at me. Everywhere I go, I am reminded of him; every moment is tinted by thoughts of what Lucas would enjoy or dislike. In the mornings, I see the family dog sitting outside his door, and I wish I could join her, waiting for him to come out. I gently pat her on the muzzle, whispering, “I miss him too.”
I had eagerly anticipated this phone call, feeling like a teenager waiting for a crush to ask her to dance. When Lucas’s cheerful voice greets me on the line, I am genuinely happy for him. He’s having a blast—swimming, learning baseball, and indulging in sugary cereals. But then, his words hit me like a punch to the gut.
Who can blame him, though? Our lives are filled with structure, school, and healthy meals, while his time with his dad is packed with amusement parks, candy, and carefree fun. Sure, we have our enjoyable moments too, but they tend to blend into the routine of life for a seven-year-old, lacking the excitement of his visits with his father.
I understand this disparity, yet it doesn’t lessen the pain in my heart. This whole situation feels like a competition that I never intended to engage in. I always envisioned that once the dust settled from our separation, we would find happiness in our new lives and work together harmoniously as co-parents.
I imagined that after escaping an unhealthy relationship and finding love again, we could unite as a supportive family for Lucas. How fortunate he would be to have so many people who care for him!
Unfortunately, that vision hasn’t materialized. Instead, each visit leads to a series of accusations thrown at me by my ex, which he keeps in his arsenal for possible future disputes.
- “Mom doesn’t pay attention to me.”
- “She doesn’t send me with cool clothes.”
- “He doesn’t have the right haircut.”
- “Mom locks me in the closet for timeouts.”
I want to scream, to fly to Arizona and confront my ex, to defend myself and expose the flaws in his narrative. I have my own list of grievances, as does anyone who has experienced the intimacy of marriage and divorce. I long for a conversation where we can see the absurdity of it all. I want to ask Lucas why he’s saying these things, but then I question whether he even really said them at all.
In the end, I don’t want conflict; I seek forgiveness. When you lay down your defenses and open your heart, the person attacking you appears unhinged. Choosing not to engage in a fight leaves room only for compassion.
Larry, I forgive you for trying to turn Lucas against me. I forgive you for your list of grievances. Thank you for loving our son and creating joyful memories during his visits. I recognize your pain behind the hostility. Leaving must have hurt deeply, but I loved Lucas enough to leave, so he could see the best of both of us. He deserves to witness love and forgiveness, even when my heart feels like it’s breaking.
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Summary:
Divorce brings profound emotional challenges, especially regarding parenting. The struggle of co-parenting can lead to feelings of competition and heartache, particularly when a child expresses a desire to live with one parent over the other. Forgiveness and understanding are crucial in navigating this difficult landscape for the well-being of the child.