I’ve never been one to embrace the “cry it out” method of sleep training; it simply doesn’t align with my parenting style or values. While I have friends who are staunch advocates of this approach, I find it unthinkable for my own family.
Understanding the “Cry It Out” Method
So, what exactly does the “cry it out” method entail? It’s a concept that doesn’t often get much airtime in mainstream media. I vividly recall watching the sitcom Mad About You in college, where Paul and Jamie faced the dilemma of their crying baby. They sat anxiously outside her bedroom door, with Jamie desperate to comfort her daughter. At the time, I thought their decision was absurd. Why wouldn’t they just go in and soothe her? What could possibly be the downside of offering comfort?
At 22, I had no idea what my future held, but I knew one thing for certain: I couldn’t and wouldn’t follow that path.
A Glimpse into My Household
Here’s a glimpse into what sleep looks like in my household. My children typically don’t sleep through the night until they reach about two years old. Many nights, I find myself sharing my bed with one or even all four of my kids. There are definitely sleepless nights, but occasionally, everyone but the baby manages to stay in their beds throughout the night.
My little ones sleep with me until they’re around 15-18 months old. That’s when we start the night-weaning process, and they transition to a room with a sibling. The routine we follow involves nursing the baby or toddler to sleep, after which my partner, Jake, takes over. He sits with the little one until they drift off, a process that initially takes hours. Gradually, he works his way out of the room until he can simply sing a lullaby, plant a kiss, say goodnight, and leave. This gentle approach can take up to two months, but it’s effective for us. Until then, we nurse to sleep and throughout the night.
Why I Reject the Cry-It-Out Method
People often ask why I don’t resort to the cry-it-out method. To put it simply, I believe it isn’t beneficial for the child. The first two years of life are critical for establishing trust, and leaving a child alone to “self-soothe” teaches them the opposite of what we want them to learn. Imagine being put in a room, feeling upset, and having someone ignore your cries for hours. That would be traumatic for any of us.
During my second pregnancy, I came across an insightful article titled “Crying for Comfort” by Althea Soltera in Mothering Magazine. It highlighted the potential harm of ignoring a baby’s cries, even for a few minutes at a time. Babies left to cry may not develop a foundational sense of trust, which can lead to feelings of powerlessness, low self-esteem, and anxiety later in life. This approach undermines the secure attachment that requires tender responsiveness during the first year after birth.
Moreover, I believe there’s a biological reason mothers find it difficult to hear their babies cry. It’s an instinctual reaction; separating from our infants goes against our primal urges to protect them.
Nighttime Parenting
Another reason I don’t subscribe to the cry-it-out philosophy is that parenting doesn’t stop when the sun goes down. I am a parent around the clock, which includes nighttime parenting.
I’ve heard the argument that if mom doesn’t get enough sleep, then everyone suffers. While there’s some truth to that, parenting is about being present for my children, even during the night. Someday, I’ll enjoy uninterrupted sleep, but that time just isn’t now. I was somewhat prepared for this reality when I signed up for the parenting journey many years ago.
That said, I won’t lie—there have been moments when I’ve considered the “Ferber method” or letting my babies cry themselves to sleep. Some nights, I’m so exhausted that I’d trade anything for one of those mythical infants who sleep through the night by six months. But I recognize the cost associated with that choice, and it’s not a price I’m willing to pay.
Conclusion
So, I don’t allow my babies to cry it out. I strive to respond to their needs, even if it means dealing with bags under my eyes for the next couple of years. In the long run, I believe it will be worth it. For more insights on parenting approaches, check out this post on Modern Family Blog. And if you’re exploring options for starting a family, consider visiting Make A Mom for quality home insemination kits. Also, for additional information on infertility and pregnancy, the CDC provides excellent resources.
Summary
The author shares a personal experience with sleep training, expressing a strong aversion to the “cry it out” method. Instead, they prefer a gentle approach that fosters trust and responds to their children’s needs, emphasizing the importance of nurturing attachments during early childhood.
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