Unsure if your home resembles an animal sanctuary? Look no further than your kitchen. Do you possess a turkey-shaped gravy boat? Is there a cheese knife adorned with a mouse handle? Perhaps your butcher block is in the shape of a pig?
You likely didn’t intend to invite nature indoors, but consumer marketing and the allure of whimsical designs often lead you there. In the ecosystem of suburban America, the human species H. sapiens Pottery Barnus (a term for those who overspend on white dinnerware) finds it almost impossible to serve fish on anything but a platter that mimics its shape. It’s a fascinating case of cultural evolution!
To satisfy the growing appetite for unique home goods, retailers like Crate & Barrel inundate your mailbox or email with catalogs, often showcasing playful whale spoon rests. Did you opt into these catalogs? Of course not; they are an unavoidable aspect of life in a suburban neighborhood complete with amenities like pools and tennis courts.
Now, let’s delve into the fascinating inhabitants of this environment!
Williams-Sonoma Cast-Iron Bacon Press
Baconus brunchus
Fun fact! This bacon press is a native species thriving in the burgeoning suburbs of Middle America. ©Williams-Sonoma
The irony of kitchenware that humorously references the animals we consume is unmatched. By accepting every brunch invitation that comes your way, you may encounter the pinnacle of ironic kitchen items: the pig-shaped bacon press from Williams-Sonoma. Using anything but a pig-shaped press for your bacon is simply unacceptable in your dining area. You’ll only find this charming piece in neighborhoods with school districts rated 8 or higher on GreatSchools.org.
Paula Deen’s Signature Serverware Southern Rooster 10-Inch Stoneware Egg Tray
Rooster ridiculo
Fun fact! This modern egg tray has evolved to the point where it no longer fits in any cabinet. ©Paula Deen’s General Store
Every suburbanite is aware that Paula Deen epitomizes butter, controversy, and capitalizing on consumer products. But what does one serve using Paula’s creations? Only the most tedious hors d’oeuvres, naturally! This deviled egg tray is a must-have for those with disposable income and a penchant for boredom. It’s designed for the unhatched chicks, with the proud rooster watching as you indulge. Paprika, anyone?
You won’t find this cumbersome serving piece in the compact quarters of a Manhattan resident.
Crate & Barrel Cow Creamer
Bos taurus pointless
Fun fact! Milk is conveniently packaged in easy-pour containers, making this item one of the most unnecessary suburban kitchen gadgets. ©Crate & Barrel
In nature, milk comes directly from cows, but that’s not suitable for suburban tables. Enter the Crate & Barrel Cow Creamer, which cheerfully pours cream into your coffee, a process that is ironically non-essential. Larger variants of this delightful creature are available as milk pitchers.
Bed Bath & Beyond 2×3-Foot Cow BBQ Mat
Bos taurus outdoorus
Fun fact! An outdoor kitchen signals to neighbors, “I could spend extravagantly to grill my steaks, but I chose to hire someone to build this outdoor kitchen instead.” ©Bed Bath and Beyond
On a modest .34 acres of planned housing, one can truly bring the indoors outside. Just like the kitchens within suburban homes, outdoor kitchens have their own unique assortment of wildlife. This Cow BBQ Mat occupies a space in the outdoor kitchen, providing comfort to the “BBQ Boss” (as referenced on the grill master’s apron). This design features a complete steer, sectioned into appealing portions, cleverly avoiding any resemblance to the meatpacking process.
West Elm Fish Tail Metal Bell
Tuna tinkle
Fun fact! Even at fifty percent off, this is a ludicrous waste of money. ©West Elm
This aquatic creature prefers habitats in eat-in kitchens equipped with granite countertops. While the world may view the stubby fish tail as cheap decor, suburban evolution has transformed it into a dinner bell. This bell resides in narrow cabinets beside the fridge, where scented candles await their seasonal debut. Ring it to signal that dinner is served, though, no doubt, your family will dislike it, a sentiment you’ll drown with a bottle of pinot grigio.
Anthropologie Tiered Crane Sculpture
Supra expensica
Fun fact! $328! ©Anthropologie
Nothing signifies your arrival in affluent suburbia quite like a Tiered Crane Sculpture, which creates the illusion that this ceramic bird might drop its droppings on your French macarons. Not just any bird can secure a spot in the dining rooms of suburban jungles; it takes a regal crane to elevate something that would otherwise appear ridiculous into something absurdly valuable. Should your host serve you artisanal tartlets or bespoke chocolates from anything other than a crane, you would be justified in expressing your discontent.
Target Threshold Cookie Jar Squirrel
Rodent chocolate chipus
Fun fact! Squirrels are among the most likely animals to become roadkill in your suburban vicinity. ©Target
Not every creature in the suburbs is catalog-derived. In fact, Target stores account for a significant portion of the charming items populating kitchen counters. From fox-shaped salt and pepper shakers to this quirky cookie jar, Target is akin to the Amazon rainforest of suburban sprawl, showcasing new discoveries every day.
Just as your backyard requires its bunnies, chipmunks, and moles for your designer Labradoodle to bark at, your kitchen demands affordable jars and bowls to complement your lavish designer Labradoodle Serving Platter. After all, you’ve already spent your budget on that extravagant crane.
In conclusion, this exploration reveals the essential yet often absurd items that populate the kitchens of suburban America. This landscape of whimsical gadgets and decorations reflects the unique interplay of consumerism and suburban identity. For more insights on topics such as home insemination, be sure to check out this informative article. And for essential tools related to this journey, consider reviewing this at-home insemination kit. For a deeper understanding of fertility issues, this resource is invaluable.