In recent discussions, I found myself with a friend, Claire, as she thumbed through images on her smartphone, pausing to show me snapshots of her daughter, a freshman navigating college life. Claire, an empowered and insightful individual with two well-rounded children, couldn’t help but ask, “Doesn’t she look good? Doesn’t she look happy? Everything seems fine, right?”
Indeed, her daughter appeared vibrant and thriving. Yet, this young woman had recently faced challenges, leaving Claire—a typical caring mother—wondering if all was truly well. It reminded me of the beloved character Miss Clavel from Ludwig Bemelmans’s Madeline series, who had an uncanny ability to sense when things were amiss: “In the middle of one night Miss Clavel turned on the light and said, ‘Something is not right!’”
The paradox of motherhood often lies in this perpetual state of vigilance, where subtle cues—like the tone of a child’s voice or the expression captured in a photograph—can trigger concern. For many generations, parents sending their children off to college experienced a stark disconnect, relying on sporadic letters or weekly collect calls to understand how their kids were faring. College students could evolve, experiment, and even encounter difficulties without their parents being privy to these transformations until major holidays.
However, today, the landscape has drastically shifted. Parents can now invest countless hours analyzing images on social media platforms such as Instagram or, to a lesser extent, Facebook, scrutinizing their children’s lives. We find ourselves counting beer bottles in photos, interpreting outfits, and trying to decipher the dynamics of their friendships. Is there a hint of distress in their expressions? Are they genuinely smiling or merely posing for the camera? Concerns arise when we see party pictures on a Wednesday night (Did she attend her early class the next day?) or when we notice a lack of photos altogether (Is he feeling isolated?).
When I joined Facebook in 2008, shortly after my daughter left for college, I quickly realized that her photos provided an intriguing glimpse into her experiences 3,000 miles away. Each image served as a potential insight into her wellbeing, often revealing more than her verbal updates could convey. Despite the distance, I could observe her journey, almost voyeuristically, which ultimately isn’t beneficial for either party. Our children deserve space to grow, and sometimes it’s necessary for parents to remain unaware of certain aspects of their lives after they turn 18, whether they stay at home or venture off to college.
College represents a critical period of self-discovery and emotional maturation. Experiencing struggles is often an integral part of transitioning to adulthood. It’s perhaps unwise for parents to witness real-time photos that might capture their children at vulnerable moments—whether due to excessive partying or emotional downturns. We can instinctively sense when something is off, even through a mere photograph.
The duality of social media lies in its capability to maintain connections with our children, regardless of distance. Platforms like Facebook and Instagram keep our parental instincts active long after our children have reached independence. Perhaps it would be more beneficial for everyone if we adopted a more hands-off approach regarding our children’s lives once they leave home. This change could foster healthier dynamics for both the children and their parents.
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In summary, while social media provides a window into the lives of our college-going children, it also presents challenges that can amplify parental anxiety. It may be healthier to cultivate a degree of distance, allowing our children the freedom to grow while we manage our concerns from afar.