“I’m losing my mind! I’m trying to cook dinner while they keep asking for things. There are THREE of them and only ONE of me, and I can’t even figure out how to replace the lightbulb in that ridiculous bathroom!”
That’s how I greeted my partner, Mark, when he walked in last night. No pleasantries, no smile, and certainly no kiss; honestly, I hadn’t showered that day, so he probably avoided a close call. Instead, I unleashed a torrent of frustration about lightbulbs and the chaos of the day. It was an all-time low, and he got the brunt of it the moment he stepped through the door.
After the kids were finally fed and settled, I was in the kitchen cleaning up when he came over, wrapped his arms around me, and said, “I’m sorry you had such a tough day.” In that moment, I felt a wave of guilt wash over me. The truth was, it hadn’t been a terrible day at all. It was quite typical, filled with both good and challenging moments, but nothing that should have pushed me over the edge.
The girls had fun drawing pictures, and we used those creations to decorate their cardboard tunnel. They enjoyed lunch, which featured their favorite applesauce and cheese. Although the twins skipped their naps, the baby managed to sleep for nearly three hours. So, overall, the day could have been much worse.
Yet, everything seemed to crash down on me all at once. I was sautéing mushrooms, stirring beans, and microwaving rice when the twins insisted I join them on their potties, all while demanding that I fix the light in the bathroom because it was “too dark to pee.” Meanwhile, the baby tore down the artwork I had lovingly taped to their tunnel and began wailing. This, of course, prompted her sisters to join in the screeching.
To top it off, the dog vomited on the floor, creating an unpleasant mix of smells with the burning beans and spices. So, naturally, that was the moment Mark chose to come home. He walked into a scene of chaos, greeted by a sweaty, irate wife who clearly had not had a good day.
Once I calmed down enough to think, I realized something significant: my husband rarely sees me at my best. When I’m at my best, I’m witty, creative, and full of enthusiasm. However, when I’m overwhelmed, I can become short-tempered and distant. It’s a constant struggle to find the balance. My children often experience my best self, and sometimes my writing does too, but my husband seems to get the leftovers.
I worry that this constant display of stress and frustration might harm our marriage. He might think I’m always shouting and anxious when he’s not around. The truth is, he misses the moments when I’m relaxed, like at 10 a.m. after my coffee when I’ve managed to clean the kitchen and maybe even shower. That’s when I’m playful with the kids, engaging in reading marathons, dancing, or crafting together.
However, he typically sees me first thing in the morning when I’m groggy and overwhelmed, and then again at the end of the day when I’m utterly exhausted. Sure, we have weekends, but they often don’t feel like a break with little ones around. We do enjoy occasional dates, but they are far too infrequent.
I cherish that I can be myself with Mark; he doesn’t mind if I’m not dressed up. I know he loves me for who I am, and for the family we’ve built together. But I want to be fun and engaging with him too. I want him to see that I am more than just a frazzled mom in a shirt stained with applesauce. While I think he knows there’s more to me, I can’t help but wonder how long he will believe that without any evidence. How can I show him my best self? Do other stay-at-home moms face this same challenge? Does he ever worry about it too?
Perhaps this is just a phase of parenting during the baby and toddler years. Maybe once I find time for reading, writing, thinking, and exercising, I’ll have the energy to be my best when Mark is home. Perhaps then I can stop yelling about lightbulbs and wear a clean shirt once in a while. We both deserve that.
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In summary, the transition of being a devoted mother often comes at the expense of nurturing the marital relationship. Balancing the demands of parenting while maintaining a connection with a partner requires effort and understanding. Recognizing that these challenges are common can help alleviate feelings of isolation and inspire solutions to reconnect with both oneself and one’s partner.