By Dr. Sarah Thompson
- Thou shalt refrain from driving when your judgment is compromised. If this continues, you may find yourself without access to the vehicle until you reach the age of 30.
- Thou shalt maintain both hands upon the steering wheel at all times. This prohibits texting, eating, or engaging in personal activities. I am aware of your multitasking abilities, but safety comes first.
- Passengers shalt not interfere with thy control of the vehicle. Taking the wheel while someone else is in the driver’s seat may lead to disastrous outcomes, unlike what is portrayed in films. I assure you that I have no personal anecdotes to share on this matter.
- Thou shalt abstain from consuming Caramel Frappuccinos in the car. Just last week, my steering wheel resembled a sticky theater floor post-movie. This rule is crucial, particularly if you haven’t secured a grande skim latte for your mother.
- After obtaining food from fast-food establishments, thou shalt air out the vehicle and utilize the Febreze provided in the trunk. This applies equally after meals from popular burrito places or after intense physical activity in high temperatures. Axe body spray does not suffice.
- Thou shalt not blast the radio to an excessive volume. If you do, prepare for your mother to retaliate by playing NPR throughout the house when friends visit. A second offense may result in her attempting to rap Snoop Dogg, and on a third, be ready for her to dance like Beyoncé—or at least make the attempt.
- Thou shalt not leave used chewing gum in the cup holder. The same applies to straw wrappers, sunflower seed shells, and tissues. Should you neglect this rule, I will instruct the cats to deposit their hairballs on your pillow.
- Thou shalt not use my trunk as a laundry basket. If I discover wet towels in the backseat, expect to find your father’s dirty underwear in your beach bag.
- Thou shalt not return the car with an empty gas tank. This is akin to leaving an empty Cheez-It box in the pantry; running out of fuel could leave you stranded on the side of I-495. You possess a gas card; please utilize it for purposes beyond acquiring beef jerky.
- The Golden Rule: Treat the vehicle with respect, as if it were your own. Someday, it may very well be. If this family acquires a new car, the current one will belong to you.
Remember, if you desire access to the keys, they remain in my possession. My will shall be done. For further insights, check out this informative post on home insemination techniques.
Additionally, for those interested in the topic of home insemination, you can find reliable information at Make a Mom and explore comprehensive resources on pregnancy at CDC.
In summary, following these guidelines will not only ensure the longevity of the vehicle but also maintain a harmonious relationship within the household.