Updated: Dec. 2, 2016
Originally Published: June 30, 2015
It was over three decades ago when my parents ended their marriage; I was just 11 years old. Now, I’m a married parent to three children aged 11, 9, and 7. I have learned that marriage is challenging, and so is divorce. As I navigate parenthood, I’ve come to understand that children do not operate with pre-set expectations. My kids aren’t measuring their childhood against some idealized version of the past. They don’t have a collection of perfect memories to assess how we’re doing.
When my parents explained to me their decision to take a break, I didn’t perceive it as a broken home; that was adult terminology. In reality, children adapt to changes. They experience pain and curiosity, but the tendency to dwell on regrets is largely an adult trait. When my father moved into his own apartment, we retained the family home. It wasn’t broken; it was just different.
1. Misbehavior is Attributed to Divorce
One of the first lessons I learned after my parents’ separation was that behaviors typically seen as ordinary childhood mischief were often attributed to the divorce. “Oh, Amanda is acting out again; it must be because of the split.” In truth, I’ve always had a flair for expressing myself—sometimes with colorful language.
2. Divorce Fosters Guilt
The second insight was recognizing an intense sense of guilt. Every parent experiences guilt, but those going through a breakup often feel it more acutely. This phenomenon seems to be a uniquely adult experience, where parents second-guess their decisions, hoping to amend the aftermath with overcompensation. For a while, my sister and I indulged in guilt-driven gifts and treats, but like all things, we eventually grew tired of it. Children simply cannot sustain the level of guilt that adults can.
3. Family is Defined Beyond Marriage
The third lesson I learned is that family remains family, regardless of marital status. Whether you refer to your parents as Mom and Dad or by their first names, or if you have multiple sets of grandparents, the essence of family persists. We combined traditions, sometimes with humorous results, leading to extra birthday cards and occasions that didn’t quite fit the mold. I occasionally pondered what life might have been like had my parents stayed together, but equally often, I reflected on the unique experiences that arose because they did not.
4. Love is Unconditional
The fourth lesson, which I believe children of all family structures come to understand, is that love and self-worth are not contingent on shared last names or living arrangements. The strength of family bonds emerges when expectations and guilt are set aside, allowing genuine connection. My stepfather came into my life later, and while we had our challenges, we formed a deep bond over shared moments, like our breakfast discussions where we explored my future. I found clarity through those conversations, even amidst tears.
Children are perceptive and adaptable, shifting from one desire to another as they grow. They navigate emotions similarly to adults but without the burden of guilt. For example, when my 3-year-old broke her leg, she quickly accepted her new reality, moving forward with determination. My husband even modified the tree fort to accommodate her, and she didn’t dwell on the setback; she focused on enjoying time with her siblings.
While I can’t erase the hardships of divorce, I strive to lessen its impact. Ultimately, we all emerge from these experiences stronger.
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In summary, growing up in a divorced household imparts valuable lessons about adaptability, the nature of family, and the unconditional aspects of love. Children may not exhibit the same emotional burdens as adults, but they certainly learn resilience and understanding as they navigate their unique family landscapes.