On a sunny Tuesday afternoon last month, I made my way to my daughter’s classroom with cupcakes, party hats, and juice boxes to celebrate her sixth birthday. Without a second car, I trekked to her school using a rickety Radio Flyer wagon, the broken handle making my journey a bit of a workout as I maneuvered over bumps in the road, muttering under my breath about the absent screw. As we walked home, I noticed an unexpected smear of pink frosting on my shirt and asked her how her day had gone. She gleefully responded, “It was the best birthday ever, Mama! Because you were there,” her tiny hand reaching for mine.
Seeing her radiant smile filled my heart with warmth, reminding me of the value in the parenting work I engage in daily. This feeling helped ease the ongoing uncertainty I have felt since transitioning from my role as an academic dean to freelance writing and spending more time at home with my girls. I had been fatigued from juggling the demands of my professional life with the kind of parent I aspired to be, leading to the realization that something had to change. Although my current days are enriched with moments of connection and affection, working from home presents challenges I hadn’t anticipated. I’ve gradually embraced this new role, discovering strengths and flexibility I hadn’t recognized in myself before.
However, this transformation hasn’t come easily. I initially struggled to find my footing at home. The absence of external validation made me question my self-worth, which had been largely defined by my career. In my 20s, I envisioned a life aligned with intellectual pursuits rather than engaging in mid-afternoon games of Simon Says. I had left my job to be more present for my loved ones, yet I found myself filling my time with tasks that often left me feeling unfulfilled, constantly strategizing ways to maximize my income—seeing finances as either mine or my partner’s rather than ours. Disagreements over minor expenses prompted me to reevaluate not just our budget but also the dynamics of power and independence in our marriage.
Days spent writing and applying for jobs I didn’t truly want left me feeling frustrated and bewildered, despite having my two-year-old daughter by my side. I found myself distracted by my laptop, anxious and impatient, as productivity became synonymous with worth. Nearly a year after leaving my full-time role, I realized I wasn’t fully present at home either. My frustration with what I deemed “real” work often overshadowed the simple joys of watching my daughters play or hearing about their day from the school bus.
In my mid-30s, I once naively imagined a time when life would come together in a straightforward way, providing me with clarity and stability. However, I’ve learned that peace comes from accepting the winding path of life, where maturity involves adapting to the changes that unfold around us. Rather than racing down a predetermined road, I’m actively reshaping my journey daily, addressing new responsibilities that I couldn’t have anticipated a decade ago: young children, aging family members, financial obligations, and the complexities of marriage.
Life has a way of intervening unexpectedly, altering the narrative I thought I was living. The plot thickens, slows, and rewinds, necessitating ongoing revisions. I’m beginning to embrace the present rather than being fixated on a rigid plan for the future. In this chapter of my life, I’m choosing to honor the path that has chosen me. I’m discarding the burdens of “could,” “should,” and “would,” instead focusing on nurturing relationships and building a family legacy simply by existing in the moment.
I make an effort to reach out to my grandmother more often, cherishing the undivided time she offered me in my childhood. I’ve also worked on reconnecting with my mother, aiming to define our relationship in partnership rather than opposition. I actively reach out to friends, write letters, and relish being present for my oldest daughter’s experiences, such as her excitement during a school field trip. I engage in open discussions with my husband about how our evolving lives impact us, recognizing that sometimes, we reinvent ourselves to accommodate those we love, and that’s perfectly okay.
As I navigate this journey, I acknowledge that change is inevitable. For now, I continue to write during quiet moments and create my narrative, cherishing my time with my children while they are still small and their hugs are ample. This fleeting phase of life reminds me to savor each instant, as everything, including these moments, will eventually pass.
For more insights on topics like home insemination and family planning, you can explore resources like this one. Additionally, for those looking into at-home insemination kits, Make a Mom offers a comprehensive selection. If you’re interested in understanding infertility treatments, ACOG provides excellent guidance.
Summary
In my mid-30s, I’m learning to navigate the complexities of parenting and personal aspirations. The journey has led me to embrace the present, prioritize relationships, and redefine my sense of worth outside traditional measures of achievement. By focusing on what truly matters, I’m forging a path that reflects my evolving identity and the joys of being fully engaged in my family’s life.