You’ve reached a significant juncture in life. Friends frequently remark that you seem to have it all: a loving partner (25 years and counting!), two wonderful children, a cozy home filled with warmth, cherished friendships both near and far, a loyal rescue dog, and a career many aspire to. You recognize your good fortune and often express gratitude—whether to fate, a guardian angel, or divine forces. “Thank you,” you say softly, acknowledging the blessings you hold dear.
However, as the years speed by, you find yourself echoing familiar clichés: “Time flies,” “This year will pass before we know it,” and “Can you believe it’s summer already? It feels like we just had snow.” Occasionally, you catch a fleeting glimpse of yourself in a store window and are momentarily startled, seeing reflections that remind you of your mother who passed away eight years ago. This realization lingers, prompting you to make changes—perhaps a new hairstyle or wardrobe choice. While you embrace your current age, the haunting question lingers: must you resemble your mother?
You scroll through social media and notice posts from peers, some younger, sharing their struggles: unexpected health crises, sudden divorces, and the arduous paths of starting anew. You feel an overwhelming sense of gratitude for your current circumstances, whispering silent prayers of thanks: “Please, not me. Not my family.” But why should you be exempt from hardship? Why do you feel lucky at all?
Sometimes, you feel enveloped in a protective bubble, shielded from serious misfortune. Yet, you can’t ignore the fact that earlier this year, you faced a life-threatening battle with pneumonia that escalated to sepsis. How did that happen? The medical professionals are just as puzzled. You grapple with the notion of survival—are you strong for overcoming adversity or weak for succumbing to illness in the first place? As the uncertainty lingers, you celebrate another birthday, indulging in an extra slice of cake as a reward for your resilience. You’ve emerged from a close encounter with death, and the gift of life has imbued you with a deeper awareness.
You sometimes lose track of the year or even the day of the week. Memories fade, and when friends reminisce about shared experiences, you find yourself unable to recall specific details. You listen intently, absorbing their narratives as if they recount the stories of strangers, filling the void in your memory with their versions—truths you may never fully grasp as your recollections are lost amidst the chaos of daily life. “Baby brain,” they called it during your pregnancy, but no one warned you that the phenomenon could linger.
Soon, you will turn 50—not this year or next, but it’s on the horizon. This milestone seems monumental, the halfway point of a century. It once felt distant and daunting, a marker of stability and permanence. Now, you grapple with the notion that while predictability and security are admirable, there exists an underlying yearning for something more. A wildness stirs within you, a desire to express yourself more freely, to let go of inhibitions.
Cheryl Strayed’s book, Wild, captured your attention last year, resonating deeply despite your age. Though you’ve never hiked a day in your life, you understand the quest for something greater. You express your desires through writing instead of embarking on grand adventures. You recall a line from your favorite ‘80s film, St. Elmo’s Fire: “We’re all going through this,” Rob Lowe’s character tells Demi Moore. It’s a sentiment that rings true even as you find yourself in a different stage of life; you still feel like you stand on the precipice of new experiences.
Today is yours, a moment you wish to fully embrace. Yet, you are aware that by this time next year, it too will meld into a tapestry of memories. You aim to capture the essence of this period in words, hoping to look back years from now and recognize the person you once were. “Who is this individual?” you might ponder in the future. “I don’t recognize her.” But deep down, you know it’s you. The wild spirit remains, and you stand poised on the edge of life, still eager to explore what lies ahead.
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In summary, as you approach your 50th birthday, embrace the complexities that come with it. Acknowledge both the beauty and the challenges of your journey, and appreciate the fleeting moments that define your life as you stand on the edge of new beginnings.