Not long after my close friend, Rachel, welcomed her first child, and just before I had mine, I began to realize that our conversations would never be the same again. The changes were subtle at first, but it soon became evident that whenever we spoke on the phone, I was often talking to Rachel while she simultaneously engaged with her baby, creating a somewhat unusual dynamic. “Go ahead!” she would prompt, clearly eager for adult conversation. “I’ll listen while I’m with the baby!” she’d assure me, and I would navigate this new territory in our friendship that felt foreign yet familiar.
Visualize a slideshow with me on one side and Rachel on the other. The image shifts from pulled-back hair to loose curls and baby fat giving way to cheekbones. Eyeglasses transform into contact lenses, only to be replaced by laser surgery later on. Suddenly, we pull the hair back into a messy bun, wash off the makeup, and add dark circles under her eyes. A question mark appears in my eyes, and we pause. Each phase of our friendship has looked different, marked by unique dynamics, yet the essence of our bond remains unchanged: friendship is about being there for one another.
Now, we found ourselves redefining what “being there” meant. Our conversations felt awkward, as I spoke into a listening ear that was often diverted elsewhere. This disorientation was new to us, yet it felt fundamentally correct. Childbirth can understandably place significant stress on a couple’s relationship, so it stands to reason that our other important relationships would need adjustments as well. The situation had changed, and I needed to recalibrate my expectations, trusting that she was indeed listening—and that she genuinely wanted to listen, which is what matters most right now.
Returning to that metaphorical slideshow, it’s clear that relationships evolve. Previously, being present for each other meant calling whenever a favorite music video aired or writing long letters filled with illustrations to alleviate boredom during solo travels. It meant providing support during heart-wrenching moments, gently telling one another the truth to help facilitate healing.
However, the current definition of “being there” is a continuous work in progress, expanding to encompass new and unexpected forms of kindness. It can mean responding to a distressed social media post at 4 a.m. to reassure your friend that, despite the distance, you are there for her. It can involve calling from overseas just to let her know you are thinking of her. It might also mean taking her child on playdates to give her a much-needed respite. Or gifting her something non-child-related, a reminder that she is still an individual deserving of nice things. It’s about acknowledging the woman she was before and ensuring she remembers that person.
In summary, true friendship after having a child entails a significant recalibration of how we connect and support each other. It might be less about traditional forms of communication and more about adapting to new realities while ensuring our bonds remain strong. For more insights on navigating relationships during this transformative phase, consider exploring this resource on pregnancy and home insemination.