In the summer of last year, as my daughter Lily neared her tenth birthday, my parents spent considerable time with my children, leading to some enlightening conversations. My father, especially, expressed his thoughts on Lily and her brother, Max. One evening, after dinner, he voiced a concern about Lily, suggesting that our close relationship could be problematic. He warned me about the pitfalls of over-identification and becoming too enmeshed.
I felt a frown form on my face, as his concern echoed one of my own. However, I reminded him of how Lily bravely attended sleepaway camp before any of her peers, venturing out without a familiar companion. My father nodded, recognizing this independence in her character. This acknowledgment from him highlighted our similarities and his deep understanding of my worries and joys. It also reminded me of the value I place on independence, which I learned early in my own life.
A specific memory from my fourth-grade year stands out. During gym class, we were informed that a parent needed to write a note allowing us to skate without a helmet. Mortified at the idea of donning a helmet, I nagged my mother until she finally said, “Ask your father.” I found him engrossed in a thick German history book. He agreed to help, but instead of a simple note, he wrote: “Recognizing that risk is an inherent and important fact of life, we gladly permit Emily to skate without a helmet.” I begged him for a more conventional note, but he just chuckled at my mortification. I stormed off, feeling humiliated as I handed that note to my gym teacher the next day.
Over time, I’ve come to appreciate that my father was poking fun at what he perceived as an absurd rule, reflecting the values he and my mother instilled in me about embracing independence and facing risks head-on. This small incident speaks volumes about how my parents prioritized self-reliance and encouraged me to venture boldly into the world.
I take great pride in my children’s independence. Witnessing their courage fills me with joy, often more than seeing them showcase their talents. Yet, I sometimes fear that I might be pushing them away too soon. Am I emphasizing autonomy too much, potentially undermining our bond? I grapple with the balance between closeness and independence, which is a fundamental aspect of parenting.
Moreover, I believe autonomy is intertwined with a broader perspective on life. I want my children to understand that while they are paramount in my life, they are not the sole focus. Encouraging them to step outside their comfort zone helps them grow and reminds them of the vast world beyond our family—a world where they are both small and capable. This is where they can navigate challenges, like facing an embarrassing note from school, yet still embrace adventure.
In moments of doubt about our connection, I remind myself that fostering independence equips my children with the ability to trust themselves and recognize their own power. Ultimately, trusting my children as autonomous individuals compels me to trust myself as a parent. I must believe in their ability to make responsible choices, anchored by the values I’ve instilled in them.
This journey of parenting, filled with its complexities, has led me to realize my own capacity for self-trust. The way I engage with my children reflects this understanding.
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In summary, trusting our children requires us to trust ourselves. Emphasizing independence not only fosters self-reliance but also encourages a broader understanding of their place in the world, ultimately leading to their growth and development.