When I glance at my partner, I perceive two distinct realities: one with him by my side, and one without. In the first, I feel serene and fulfilled; in the latter, I feel disoriented and transformed.
As I watch him tenderly tucking our children into bed, I am struck by the realization of how close we came to never having this family. This thought halts me in my tracks. It grips my chest tightly. How could I ever navigate this world without any of them?
This near-miss occurred 14 years ago, shortly after our marriage, when my husband was faced with a rare and often lethal cancer diagnosis. Our dreams of a shared life, building a family, and growing old together felt as distant as his chances of survival.
Now, as I see him in his makeshift gym, lifting weights and doing countless pull-ups as part of his commitment to health, I often feel overwhelmed by both our fortune and the randomness of our situation. With less than a 10 percent chance of surviving five years post-diagnosis, we are acutely aware that the other 299 individuals diagnosed with adrenal carcinoma in the U.S. back in 2001 likely did not share our luck. I visualize that few, if any, of them are out running morning miles to keep their blood pressure and cholesterol in check. Perhaps none are there to kiss their children—who may never have seen the light of day—goodnight.
Upon reading a poignant Facebook post by wellness advocate Hannah Carter about her husband, who tragically passed away during a family vacation, I felt tears streaming down my face as I resonated with her emotions. My heart ached for her and her children, and I wished for a different narrative for them as well.
Yet, Hannah’s words serve as an inspiration: “Tragedy offers us a choice. We can succumb to the void that fills our hearts and constricts our ability to think or we can strive to find meaning. In these past weeks, I’ve often found myself lost in that void, and I know that many more moments will be consumed by it. But when I can, I choose life and meaning.”
During my husband’s toughest battles with his illness, I too felt enveloped by that void. When doctors compared his treatment to rearranging the deck chairs on the Titanic, I felt as if I were sinking alongside him. Nights spent on uncomfortable hospital chairs in cold ICU rooms led me to ponder the unimaginable—his sudden absence and its impact on my life. Would I dwell in sorrow? Would I be left with an emptiness that flavored every aspect of my existence?
Fortunately, I never had to confront that reality. Serendipity was on our side. My husband defied the odds, leaving us both in awe of how and why we were spared. I express my gratitude daily—whether to fate or something divine—for this blessing. I hold him and our children—who may never have existed—with an intensity that sometimes prompts eye rolls and playful protests. “Okay, Mom, enough already!” my kids might say, but deep down, I believe they cherish it. What they cannot grasp is that for me, it will never be enough. Our embraces are infinite because we recognize the miracles they represent.
On quiet evenings, my husband and I sit on our porch swing, swaying gently in silence. We don’t need to vocalize the narrowness of our escape; our gratitude is evident, and we often remind each other of it. We are actively choosing to embrace life and meaning with full awareness of how much easier this becomes after narrowly avoiding a devastating end to our journey together. We are leaning into our shared existence, a practice that will continue long after his illness fades into the past.
If you love your partner, your children, or your life itself, I urge you to lean into it wholeheartedly and express those feelings. Seek out those who inspire you, and let them know how you feel. Take a moment to do that right now. For further insights on this journey, consider exploring this informative blog post. Additionally, if you’re interested in home insemination methods, this resource is a great authority on the topic. For more information on pregnancy, check out the CDC’s comprehensive resource.
In summary, the journey through life can be unpredictable, yet the appreciation for our loved ones can transform our outlook on existence and love. By acknowledging the fragility of life, we learn to cherish every moment and connection.