About a year ago, I managed to shed approximately 30 pounds for what felt like the umpteenth time. During that period, my father stopped by for a visit and made a casual remark that truly took me by surprise, causing emotional distress and confusion.
Let me clarify: my father is a wonderful person. I deeply care for him and know he means well. However, when I share what he said, you might be inclined to judge him harshly.
It unfolded like this:
Dad: “You look great! Have you lost weight?”
Me: “Yes, around 30 pounds.”
Dad: “That’s fantastic! Because you’re not really that heavy. You’re skinny on the inside. My child isn’t heavy.”
Me: silence.
A. That comment was as hurtful and perplexing as you might imagine. B. It wasn’t entirely unexpected, as he often expresses sentiments along those lines. C. Surprisingly, I find some truth in his words.
As a child, I was always slender, regardless of what I ate. However, after the birth of my second child, I noticed a 15-pound increase. I vividly remember my boss complimenting my beauty while suggesting that losing ten more pounds would make me gorgeous.
Years passed, and I found myself with an additional 20 pounds. After dieting, I lost 50 pounds, then started nursing school and working nights. I was shocked to discover my body fat was predominantly made up of sweets. Eventually, I gained 55 pounds back. After numerous cycles of dieting and marathon training, I lost 65 pounds, only to get divorced and remarry, gaining 20 pounds at my husband’s suggestion. Pregnancy followed, leading me to stop marathon training and gain 60 pounds.
Fast forward through multiple wardrobe changes: I lost 15 pounds, became pregnant again, gained 30, lost 20, and then gained another 10 after getting an IUD.
Are you lost yet?
At my heaviest, I weighed 200 pounds. I lost 35 pounds, only to be told by my therapist that I exhibited signs of exercise bulimia. My husband expressed frustration over my obsessive calorie counting and intense exercise routines. Six months later, I found myself back at square one, having regained all the weight.
This cycle is exhausting.
I haven’t even scratched the surface of the emotional turmoil that accompanies gaining and losing weight—it’s akin to carrying the weight of six small children or two adult men. It’s a challenging experience, to say the least.
I hesitate to discuss this because I am acutely aware of society’s perceptions of overweight individuals. I use the term “overweight” descriptively, as I am, in fact, an overweight person. Society often labels overweight individuals as lazy, undisciplined, and gluttonous. While I know this isn’t a fair assessment, those stereotypes persist, and I find myself resistant to being categorized in that way. I am, in fact, a very active person. I struggle to sit through a movie, and I can’t relax with household chores piling up.
Despite weighing 200 pounds, I struggle to identify as overweight. I don’t FEEL overweight, even though I understand that I appear that way. I wear a size 16, and indulging in Chinese food can push me to an 18. It’s a struggle for many women to accept being labeled as overweight, and even my well-meaning husband avoids using that term.
Internally, I don’t see myself as just an overweight individual. I am a wife, mother, sister, nurse, friend, writer, and more. I deal with depression and manic episodes. I am the adult child of an addict. I am so many things beyond just my weight.
Yet, there exists an undeniable shadow that reminds me of my physical reality. No matter how I perceive myself, the fact remains: I am overweight. Acknowledging this truth brings me sadness.
It disheartens me to think that my husband might find someone else who is thinner or prettier. Does everyone else view him as a nice guy for staying with an overweight woman? Or is it possible that I’m actually a remarkable partner, regardless of my size?
It saddens me to look in the mirror and not see beauty reflected back. Who defines beauty? Is it the shape of my hips, the curve of my belly, or the totality of my body? Are we only beautiful if we conform to societal standards?
In a room full of women, I often scan the crowd to see if I am the heaviest one present. Why do we reduce each other to mere physical attributes?
The truth is, I would prefer to be smaller. My experiences have ranged from being underweight to overweight, and I find that I thrive in the middle. However, I also recognize that research shows 95% of dieters regain the weight they lose. Given my personal history, that statistic rings true for me.
I have not given up or accepted being overweight as my permanent label. However, I have shifted my focus away from incessant weight loss. I no longer count calories or exercise solely to ‘earn’ treats. I recognize that I am not out of shape—rather, my shape is simply round. The weight I carry is not “extra”; it is part of who I am.
I am no longer fixated on losing pounds; my priority is now on achieving health and happiness.
I genuinely aspire to foster self-love for my body, hoping that by doing so, others might follow suit and not judge based on size.
Yet, I find it challenging to embrace that notion fully. My body has accomplished incredible things. I can walk, run, and ride a bike. I am fortunate to be healthy, despite my weight. My intelligence, kindness, and compassion are not tied to my physical form. I am grateful for all of these attributes. However, I still see an overweight person when I look in the mirror.
I wish I didn’t. I wish others didn’t either. But the reality is that I do, and so do they.
I aim to change the dialogue surrounding our identities, emphasizing all the characteristics that make us who we are beyond our physical appearances. We are so much more than just our weight.
For further insights on fertility and home insemination, check out this article. For more information on fertility supplements, visit this resource. Finally, for in-depth knowledge about genetics and IVF, refer to this excellent resource.
In summary, the journey through body image and weight is complex and often fraught with emotional challenges. It is essential to recognize that our worth extends far beyond our physical appearance. Fostering self-love and shifting the focus to our inner qualities can lead to a more fulfilling and healthier life.