When my partner and I first considered leaving New York City, prior to starting our family, I worried mostly about food options. “We’ll starve,” I expressed, “or be stuck eating pizza and takeout forever.” “I’ll learn to cook!” he replied enthusiastically. And he did. Fast forward to today, and he handles all the dinner preparations for our two kids. I enjoy baking from time to time, which covers breakfast and dessert, but when it comes to lunch, I’m more of an assembler than a chef. Dinner, however, is entirely his domain.
When people discover this setup, they often regard him as a remarkable figure, which I also appreciate, especially since my culinary skills are quite limited to a few egg dishes (lunch!). However, it does leave me pondering: if I were the one doing all the cooking, would I also be hailed as remarkable? Likely not.
Fatherhood advocate Tom Sanders wrote an article about his previous belief that his partner should be thankful for his nighttime parenting efforts, as if he was somehow exceeding expectations by participating in what many perceive as maternal responsibilities. He and his partner had their disagreements until he realized his perspective was flawed and offered an apology.
This phenomenon is prevalent even among the most progressive fathers. My partner is certainly a true co-parent and shares household duties, yet certain responsibilities seem to automatically default to me. This isn’t just the case between us; it extends to other parents, schools, healthcare providers, and even myself.
For instance, when one of our children falls ill at school, my phone is the first point of contact. Invitations for birthday parties or events typically land in my inbox. When it comes to organizing summer activities or arrangements, I’m the go-to person. If the kids need anything in the middle of the night, it’s me who gets up. I could provide numerous examples, but the crux of the issue goes beyond the expectation that women should shoulder more of the household and child-rearing responsibilities. While various articles highlight our progress, it’s clear that we still have a long way to go.
Here’s a critical insight: We also desire acknowledgment, just like fathers do.
I rise early each day, preparing coffee, unloading the dishwasher, preparing breakfast, and packing snacks for the kids, all while ensuring their clothes fit for the new season and purchasing necessary school supplies and birthday gifts for their friends. The list is extensive, and I want to be appreciated for my efforts.
When my partner notices my stress and steps in to relieve some of my burdens, I express my gratitude. So, why is it that my contributions seem to be taken for granted? Conversely, why do many men (excluding my partner in this instance) expect recognition for simply assisting?
The solution isn’t to stop acknowledging fathers. Instead, we must recognize that managing a household, especially one with children, is equally exhausting and demanding for everyone involved. We all deserve appreciation for navigating the daily challenges of school requests, child needs, home repairs, and the multitude of tasks that can feel overwhelming.
Whether it’s the parent who wakes up in the night with a baby or the one who stays up late waiting for a teenager, everyone should receive gratitude for their contributions, without exception.
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In summary, both fathers and mothers should be recognized for their everyday contributions to the family. It’s essential to cultivate an environment where appreciation is mutual, as every task, big or small, plays a vital role in the family dynamic.