When I tell my 4-year-old things like, “Don’t crash the skateboard into your little brother,” or “No, we can’t take the cushions off the couch,” he often pouts and accuses me of being mean. On his more diplomatic days, he simply tells me that he doesn’t like what I’m saying. Yes, he’s offended by my parenting choices, which feels a bit absurd because I’ve always tried to discipline in gentle and respectful ways.
When I first became a parent, I subscribed to the ideals of attachment parenting. Who wouldn’t want to feel empowered to soothe their baby at a moment’s notice? This approach encourages co-sleeping, extended breastfeeding, and even baby-wearing. In this mindset, a baby or toddler’s cries signal distress that a parent should promptly address.
This philosophy felt warm and fuzzy until I became utterly worn out and started to feel a bit lost. I longed for moments of autonomy outside of motherhood, but I wasn’t sure how to reclaim my independence without feeling guilty. I wanted to meet my child’s needs, but I also realized that my own needs were being overlooked.
Over time, I began to appreciate the importance of setting boundaries. Embracing concepts like mother-led weaning and sleep training became essential. While adjusting to these changes meant accepting more tears, I had to shift my perspective on how I viewed and responded to my children’s emotions. I wanted to be a firm parent with high expectations, but that often meant my child wasn’t going to be happy, and let’s be honest, that was tough.
Sometimes, the temptation to appease him is strong just to avoid his dissatisfaction. However, I’ve learned that allowing him to process his emotions is a critical part of parenting. I never want my children to experience unnecessary distress, and I’m always there to love and comfort them, but I’ve come to realize that crying has its place in their emotional development.
I remember a summer day when my 3-year-old tripped while running on the sidewalk. As he cried, I offered ice, a Band-Aid, or even some animal crackers, but he simply shook his head and said, “No, I just want to cry.” It hit me then — tears can be healing. Research indicates that crying releases stress-relieving chemicals in the body, improves mood, and serves as a natural response to various emotions.
With this understanding, I feel less inclined to rescue my son from his negative feelings. While I will always support and comfort him during tough moments, I won’t allow his disappointment to deter me from enforcing rules or setting boundaries. I now see that protecting him from negative feelings isn’t the kindest approach. Instead, I want to provide opportunities for him to cope with and work through those emotions.
When I say no, I accept his emotional reactions because permissiveness isn’t a recipe for happiness. Kids need to know their parents can lead them. There are times when he resists — I’ve even faced the dreaded “Mean Mommy” label — but I know he ultimately thrives on the security that comes from boundaries. He may think he wants unlimited freedom, but deep down, he needs to trust that I’ll keep him safe.
It’s essential to clarify that respecting my son doesn’t mean treating him as my equal. I allow him to make choices, but only within reasonable parameters. He doesn’t get to decide when bedtime is, but he can choose whether to read one book or two. He doesn’t dictate what we eat for dinner (certainly not lollipops!), but he can decide how much he’d like to eat. I used to give him too much power in the name of respect, but I’ve learned to balance this with appropriate limits.
My kids cry when I enforce limits: “No, you can’t break the crayons,” or “No, I won’t prepare a snack after you just had lunch.” Allowing them to express their emotions shows that I acknowledge their feelings, rather than bending the rules to keep them perpetually happy. I realize now that empathetic parenting isn’t about shielding them from negative emotions; it’s about understanding their feelings without rescuing them. It’s saying, “You’re upset that the TV is off. I get it. We can watch more tomorrow.”
There was a time I hesitated to enforce boundaries, fearing it would lead to meltdowns. But I’ve come to understand that part of setting limits includes acknowledging emotions: “You’re upset. It’s okay to scream, but you must do it in your room or outside. When you’re done, we can hug and talk.” I want my son to accept his feelings, but I won’t be his emotional punching bag. “You can feel grumpy, but please don’t speak to me disrespectfully.”
Recognizing the reasons behind my child’s actions doesn’t mean I’ll make them acceptable. While it’s my job to love and care for him, it’s equally important to teach him appropriate behaviors and emotional management. Kids can manipulate emotions, and by being comfortable with his tears, I reduce his ability to do so.
I’ve embraced saying no, especially after realizing I hadn’t set boundaries soon enough in the past, which led to my own frustration. Just yesterday, he requested a specific shirt and soccer socks, and I knew I was already stretched thin. I told myself, “Don’t try to please him just to avoid feeling overwhelmed. Just say no.”
I genuinely enjoy saying yes to my son when I can, but it must come from a place of authentic comfort. I value honesty over simply being nice, and I want him to do the same. By respecting myself through establishing boundaries, he learns consideration and self-respect as well. Parents serve as role models.
I used to think it was crucial for my son to always be happy, but I now realize that his struggles often present valuable opportunities for growth. When I hold firm, I communicate trust, which is at the core of respectful parenting. I say no because I care about both his well-being and my own.
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Summary
Teaching children respect involves setting boundaries and saying no, which helps them process emotions and learn self-control. By balancing empathy with firm parenting, children can feel secure while understanding the importance of respect and appropriate behavior.
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