My mother was far from conventional. She had a penchant for being loud and occasionally crude, often dishing out advice that was, let’s say, memorable yet sometimes inappropriate. Amidst these colorful memories, however, lie some invaluable lessons. One of the most profound lessons she imparted was the art of discussing myself.
As an introverted, bookish pre-teen who spent more time watching intellectual comedies than socializing, I leaned heavily on self-deprecating humor. I initially believed it endeared me to my peers, but my mother delivered a harsh truth: “When you constantly speak negatively about yourself, people will remember those negative comments, but not who made them.”
The realization hit me hard. How could they forget that I was the one saying those things? “But I’m just joking,” I protested. “That doesn’t matter. They won’t remember it was you who said it, and they won’t even recall that it was funny,” she replied.
I contemplated her words. I began to envision the implications: “Should we invite Alex to the gathering? No, I heard he feels awkward at events.” Perhaps she was onto something. Then, my mother added a powerful point: “Conversely, if you express positive things about yourself, people might also forget where it came from.”
Years later, while working as an assistant at a media company, I found myself observing talented writers and actors land the roles I desired. One day, when asked about my aspirations, I admitted I wanted to be a writer, but felt invisible in that realm. The response I received was, “Just keep telling people you’re a writer. Eventually, someone who hasn’t seen your work will give you a shot.” I realized this echoed my mother’s wisdom, manifesting in a new setting.
Interestingly, it wasn’t enough for my mother to say it; it had to be validated by others for it to resonate. This was akin to the time she suggested using a specific kitchen tool for baking, only for me to dismiss it until a celebrity chef endorsed the idea. “Didn’t I mention that ages ago?” I can almost hear her saying now.
As I began to proclaim myself a writer, I soon secured my first paying gigs, from individuals who had never encountered my work. “Alex is a writer, right?” you bet I am!
Take my mother’s advice to heart. Avoid proclaiming that you’re unattractive or incompetent. Refrain from making self-deprecating jokes in front of those who don’t know you well. Instead, without inflating your ego, share your strengths and aspirations, for people will often forget the source and might provide you with opportunities to pursue what you love. And remember, listen to your mother—there’s no need to wait for a public figure to validate her insights.
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In summary, the way we communicate about ourselves can significantly influence how others perceive us. Embracing positive self-talk can open doors to new opportunities, while negative self-references may close them.