In my pre-marital days, I often experienced dreams filled with intimate encounters, sometimes with previous partners or even bizarre combinations of them. One day, a friend of mine looked at me kindly and said, “Oh, sweetheart, those dreams don’t vanish just because you tie the knot.” I must have sounded quite naïve, assuming that marriage would somehow transform my inner landscape.
During my single years, I viewed marriage as a remedy for loneliness: “Once I’m married, I’ll never feel isolated. Once I’m married, I’ll have a sense of purpose. Once I’m married, my anxiety will dissipate, and social gatherings will feel less awkward.” None of these assumptions materialized. Yes, my marriage has brought me happiness, security, and support; however, the idea that it would erase feelings of angst, guilt, and fear was misguided. I still find myself emotional when a song reminds me of a past relationship, and my dreams often reflect that bittersweet essence of life moving forward.
Just last week, I had a dream where I was passionately kissing someone whose face I couldn’t quite recall. We seemed youthful, possibly teenagers, and upon waking, a wave of nostalgia washed over me, deflating my spirits. That thrill of new love—a feeling I realize may never return—was bittersweet.
Some individuals experience pre-marital jitters in extreme ways—perhaps by spending a wild night out or making drastic changes to their appearance. I didn’t have that experience; after waiting so long for marriage, committing to one person didn’t frighten me. Yet, as I navigate the responsibilities of adulthood, I occasionally feel a pang of fear—because the exhilarating beginning has passed. I now find myself entrenched in the middle of my life, with the end waiting in the wings.
If marriage can be likened to purchasing the coffin for your youth and freedom, then becoming a parent is akin to nailing the lid shut. This metaphor highlights the stark reality of mortality that parenthood brings. As comedian Jerry Seinfeld once said, “I adore my baby, but let’s be clear—these babies are here to replace us.” The thrill of discovery now belongs to my child. In this natural order, I’ve relinquished my youthful exuberance to him.
I acknowledge that there are joys still to be had—those not tied to youth: enhancing my home, witnessing my child’s growth, and nurturing longstanding relationships. Yet, it is a strange and poignant experience to watch myself age, understanding intellectually that time has passed while still being able to vividly relive the exquisite joy of new love in my dreams. In this realm of dreams, I exist as both my current self and an eternal emotional being. The thought of this ageless self trapped in a decaying body is unsettling, as is the struggle to let go for the next generation.
This internal conflict manifested recently when I was corrected by one of my bright students. In a moment of distraction, I misspelled “rhinoceros” on the board. I chastised myself; I knew better. While I may have my flaws—anxiety, irritability, and social awkwardness—spelling was my domain. My pride took a hit when a twelve-year-old, on his way to the National Spelling Bee, bested me.
Like that, the student became the teacher, and I felt myself tumbling down the pedestal on which I had placed myself. My aging process mirrors that slow-motion fall—grace not included. However, the beauty of marriage lies in having a partner to share these fears with. “I misspelled ‘rhinoceros,’ I may never experience new love again, my knees creak as I climb stairs, and I forget things!” I lament, and my spouse simply takes my hand, understanding.
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Summary
Marriage does not eliminate the complexities of dreams or the emotional landscape of life. While the joys of youth may fade, new experiences and relationships develop in their place. Sharing these challenges with a partner can provide comfort and understanding as we navigate the transitions of life.