Parenting
I Still Fear for My Safety
Updated: Aug. 21, 2015
Originally Published: May 4, 2015
It took considerable time for me to feel comfortable sharing my address with my partner. When he finally entered my home, his initial remark wasn’t about my lack of a television, my extensive collection of books, or my questionable environmental habits.
“Wow,” he observed, “you have a lot of weapons.”
Indeed, my living space is filled with items that could be used for self-defense. While one could argue that nearly anything can serve as a weapon in the right hands, I prefer to take a straightforward approach. There’s a baseball bat positioned by the staircase, a Taser tucked in my handbag, and a knife stored in the shower. Violence isn’t the solution … unless you’re dealing with an unstable individual who has made clear threats against your life.
It’s been one year since I faced my abusive former partner in court. On August 20, 2013, the judge determined that he was “calculating and deceptive” and rightfully ruled against him after he had stalked me and shared private photographs with our coworkers.
Interestingly enough, exactly one year prior, on August 20, 2012, a different judge granted me a restraining order. The same date, a year apart—my life seems to echo with these unsettling coincidences.
Don’t Make Me Be Your Karma
I won’t pretend that witnessing someone receive their just desserts isn’t gratifying. However, that was not my goal—at every juncture, I provided him with opportunities to change. I ended the relationship, changed my phone number, relocated, and pleaded with him to stop. Yet, he persisted. Eventually, simply altering your behaviors is insufficient to deter someone determined to inflict harm. At some point, you must assert your own boundaries.
My ex chose to confine me, so I decided to reclaim my narrative, confidently walking away as his world disintegrated. His 25-year career—gone. His future—gone. His relationships—gone. His self-respect—gone.
In the grand scheme of things, he will be a fleeting memory for me. But for him, I was the iceberg that sank his Titanic, and there simply weren’t enough lifeboats.
I Am OK, I Am Safe
A year has passed, and then another. Yet, I still harbor fears for my safety. Each time I wash my face, I brace myself for the possibility of seeing him when I look into the mirror. Every unexpected noise feels like him attempting to break in. Each quiet moment seems to precede an imminent intrusion.
Following the end of the relationship, sleep eluded me. I would awaken in a panic, feeling as if my chest was imploding, gasping for air as my mind conjured images of devastation. It took several moments of crouching next to my bed, reminding myself, “you are OK, you are safe, he is not here, you won. You are safe.”
How I Sleep at Night
It would be ideal if fear didn’t linger, and perhaps one day it won’t. While a legal document doesn’t guarantee safety, taking proactive steps to escape a perilous situation and refusing to allow someone to mistreat you certainly helps. Being in an abusive relationship leaves scars, but I welcome any mark I can point to as evidence of my resilience.
Initially, I felt terrible after that relationship; I blamed myself for ever agreeing to it, for remaining, and for everything he inflicted upon me. What I’ve come to understand is that it’s normal not to feel okay immediately after such trauma. You can acknowledge the chaos and choose to act in ways that reflect the strength you wish to embody. Gradually, you can become that person.
I Can’t Stop Laughing
As Maya Angelou once said, “I wouldn’t trade anything for my journey now.” If these events hadn’t transpired, I might never have developed the fierce determination to pursue my desires unapologetically. I’ve learned to evaluate life’s challenges and simply say, “no thanks.”
Finding humor in dark times has been incredibly empowering. Honestly, what’s not amusing about an attorney trying to convince a courtroom that I deserved mistreatment merely for having red hair and a passport filled with stamps? It’s a little funny that I turned an entire courtroom silent by mentioning my dad’s interest in unconventional entertainment.
Even after one or two years, I continue navigating through fear and shame, but I’ve gleaned valuable lessons. We may stumble into dark places, make poor choices, and suffer at the hands of others, but those experiences do not define us. We can evolve, halt the cycle, and rewrite our stories. If you’re dissatisfied with your narrative, it’s time to introduce a plot twist.
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Summary
The article discusses the lingering fears and challenges faced after leaving an abusive relationship. The author recounts the legal battles, the emotional toll, and the empowerment found in reclaiming her narrative. Through humor and resilience, she illustrates the journey of healing and self-discovery, encouraging others to reshape their stories positively.