Arguments can often escalate from trivial matters, such as who forgot to take out the trash, to heated disputes that leave both parties feeling hurt and confused. It’s easy to lose sight of the original issue and say things that you don’t truly mean. My grandmother used to remind me, “It’s not just what you say, but how you say it.” Simple adjustments in your communication can significantly impact how your message is received and can help de-escalate a conflict.
Dr. Lisa Hartman, a noted psychologist specializing in interpersonal communication, emphasizes the importance of mindful dialogue in reducing conflict and fostering healthier relationships. Based on her insights, here are three phrases to avoid during an argument, along with more constructive alternatives.
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“The issue with you is that you’re … (inconsiderate, clueless, etc.).”
It’s easy to fall into the trap of labeling others during disputes. For example, when a colleague assigns you a challenging project, you might think they’re “unfair.” When someone cuts you off in traffic, they become “a reckless driver.” If your partner expresses a need for more affection, they may be viewed as “clingy.” Dr. Hartman refers to this as moralistic judgment, which can escalate conflicts by making others defensive. For instance, saying, “The issue with you is that you’re inconsiderate” is unlikely to elicit a productive response.
Instead, consider framing your observations more constructively, such as, “I noticed you haven’t been as engaged lately, and it’s making me feel overlooked.” -
“You make me feel … (frustrated, ignored, etc.).”
People often attribute their emotions to the actions of others. For example, “You make me feel sad when you don’t listen to me.” However, this phrasing can undermine personal accountability for your feelings. While others’ actions can influence our emotions, they do not dictate them. Dr. Hartman suggests that instead of saying, “You make me feel frustrated,” you might express, “I feel frustrated when my concerns aren’t acknowledged.” This approach encourages a deeper understanding of your feelings and needs. -
“You should … (help more, be nicer, etc.).”
When expectations aren’t met, it’s common to use “should” statements, like “You should clean the kitchen more often.” However, this language can alienate the other person and create resistance. Dr. Hartman describes this as “communicating desires as demands.” Instead, try expressing your preferences in a more inviting manner. For example, say, “I would really appreciate your help with the dishes sometimes.” This encourages cooperation rather than compliance.
Alternative Communication Techniques
When emotions run high, it can be challenging to avoid these unproductive phrases. To improve your communication, Dr. Hartman recommends a four-step model:
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Observe the situation without judgment.
For example, say, “I noticed the dishes are piling up.” -
Express how you feel and take responsibility for that feeling.
For instance, “I feel overwhelmed when I have to manage all the cleaning alone.” -
Identify the needs linked to these feelings.
You might express, “I need more support around the house.” -
Make a request rather than a demand.
For example, “Could you help me with the dishes this week?”
Implementing these strategies can be challenging, especially in high-stress moments, but taking a moment to breathe and think before reacting can lead to healthier interactions. For further insights into navigating relationships and communication, you might find this blog post helpful, as well as this resource on pregnancy and home insemination. Additionally, if you’re looking to enhance your fertility, Make A Mom offers valuable supplements for your journey.
Summary
In summary, avoiding judgmental statements, reframing how you express your feelings, and articulating your needs without demanding can significantly improve communication during arguments. Strengthening your dialogue skills can lead to more constructive outcomes and healthier relationships.